And yet. . .

I've never been to Newtown, CT.  I'd never heard of Sandy Hook Elementary School before Friday.  I've never met any of the beautiful children and teachers whose lives were stolen from them on what was just an ordinary school day.

And yet. . .

I can smell the sweetness of their freshly washed hair.  I can feel the softness of their smooth, young skin.  I can feel the wiggle of their first loose tooth.  I can see their beds filled with stuffed animals.  I can see their artwork hanging on their kitchen walls.  I can hear them singing silly songs in the backseats of their cars.  I can see their excitement when their favorite football player scores a touchdown.  I can remember their tears when they fell and scraped their knee or lost a favorite toy.  I can see them in their Daisy Scout tunics and tee ball t-shirts giggling with friends when they should be paying attention. I can see their classroom with the alphabet above the smart board, the Christmas tree that they and their classmates decorated with their teachers.  I can hear their teachers praising them for a job well done, placing a sticker on a perfect test, listening with loving patience as their students tell them stories of their families and pets and soccer games.  I can smell the school hallways as the scents from the cafeteria and the day's lunch offerings waft through the air. I can see the working parents kiss their kids goodbye before they leave for work grateful that its Friday and they will have a weekend to spend with them.  And the stay-at-home parents who are thankful for the couple hours they have that day to squeeze in some holiday shopping for their children.

As parents we sacrifice so much of who we once were to become who our children need us to be.  And while parenting is hard and can sometimes feel overwhelming, the gifts of experiencing life as a parent far surpass any hardship that it might occasionally bring.  The gift of being so deeply needed and so deeply loved by a human being is transformative.  Our children  become our light.  They become our direction.  They have shaped us into a new, better version of ourselves.  Our lives have become intertwined with theirs in a way that we never understood until we became parents.  And everything that we do for our children we do out of ferocious love for them and the unrelenting desire to keep them happy and healthy and safe.  It is this love and desire that comes to define who we are.

Like many people, I spent the weekend drifting between deep, profound grief and intense rage.  Feelings of peace are brief and fleeting.  Because although what happened on Friday may have happened at a school in a town two hours from where I live, what happened is personal.  Because those children are just like my children.  Because those teachers are just like my children's teachers.  Because those parents are just like me.  Because the love that they feel for their children is the most powerful feeling that they have ever experienced and now they are left to cope with a gaping hole in their hearts and their lives from which they will probably never recover.  And it is so unfair and infuriating and depressing and painful and surreal.

And yet. . . 

When Robbie Parker, the father of sweet Emilie, spoke about losing his daughter he said that he isn't angry.  He prayed for the shooter's family showing them genuine compassion in a time when everyone would understand if he couldn't.  He expressed thanks for having been given the opportunity to be a father to a little girl who he described as beautiful and always smiling - that the world was a better place for having had her in it.  I was so moved by his grace in that moment.  The love and compassion  that he displayed in that brief interview was probably the most beautiful tribute to his precious daughter's short yet meaningful life that could be given.  I felt my faith restored by Robbie Parker because of his loving, gentle, peaceful words.   

Each day I will pay tribute to the children and teachers who were killed in that school by being a source of love and kindness to all people.  By being a a source of hope to the hopeless.  By being a source of joy for the sad.  By being a source of light for those who feel surrounded by darkness.  This is my solemn promise to them.  Because love will overcome all evil.

"And now these three things remain: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love." 1 Cor. 13:13

Standing Upside Down

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:11

This morning was a very rare one in my house.  I woke up earlier than usual and my children slept later than usual.  It was nice to have two hours to myself to relax for a bit and to do some household chores without being summoned to fetch something for someone or to mediate a argument.  When the girls finally woke up I had already accomplished a lot.  And since we don't have plans until much later today I was able to spend some time just playing and being silly with my girls.  This entailed a lot of tickling and hugging and laughing.  And somehow we found ourselves lying on the floor with our legs bent up on the couch.  We laid  there for several minutes just looking back and forth at each other and laughing until Allie declared that she wanted french toast. Off I was to the kitchen to whip up a batch of french toast.  While the girls ate their french toast in the family room, I headed back to the kitchen to clean up and was feeling really happy.  Not just happy. . . carefree.  As I  stood in the kitchen this incredible urge to do a handstand came over me.  Right there and then in the middle of the kitchen I reached down to the ground and scissor-kicked my legs up and down.  I didn't really achieve a full handstand but when I stood back up, after acknowledging that what I had done was somewhat insane, I realized that I felt energized.  And I REALLY wanted to do a full handstand.  So I went into my living room, placed my hands on the floor, and kicked my legs up against our coat closet door.  And there I was, a 35-year-old mother of two, doing a handstand for the first time in 20 years.  I brought my legs back down, stood up and then bent down to do it again.  In fact, I did it over and over again.  It felt amazing.  The rush of blood to my head, the lengthening of my back, the engagement of my shoulder and back muscles.  I Googled the benefits of handstands afterwards. I know that there are many inverted Yoga poses and I wanted to read about them and find out their benefits, as well.  I texted my sister to let her know that I had just done a handstand.  I thought that she would find it amusing especially since she is the person who I handstood with the most throughout the course of my childhood.  She, ever being the big sister, asked me if Google had anything to say about the benefits of doing handstands for a person with a history of lower back problems.  But it actually made my lower back feel great!!  There were actually several articles that listed the benefits of handstands.  Here is one of them: http://www.livestrong.com/article/178371-the-benefits-of-handstands-for-the-body/.  Several of them stated that handstands are a way to calm yourself and that many people will do handstands before starting their meditation practice.  I find that fascinating!  Especially since as children we just naturally felt inclined to stand upside down. . . just for the fun of it!!  And it made me think about children.  So much of the time we are telling them what to do or what not to do. We want to keep them safe.  We want them to be happy.  We want to teach them ways to stay safe and be happy.  But we seldom stop to think about the lessons we can learn from our children.  My husband often jokes about the fact that children primarily use running as their way to get from point A to point B.  We laugh together at the thought of adults racing each other to the conference room or to a table in a restaurant.  But so much of what kids do naturally are the things that we should all be doing.  Kids find joy in things that make our bodies healthy. They run, skip, climb, balance, hang, and stand upside down.  Just for fun.  And are building healthy bodies while doing it.  Perhaps it is time for us to learn a lesson from our children and resort to some of our chidish ways and just stand upside down once in a while.

Connecting with Nature

Human beings crave connection with nature.  The first sunny, warm day after a long, cold winter usually brings people out from hibernation and headed out for walks, time in the park, bike rides, etc.  When people vacation, it is usually someplace that is more connected to nature like the beach, a lake, the mountains, or the country.  Even in the middle of Manhattan, a small strip of land that is mostly covered with concrete, is Central Park - an oasis for the people who live or work there covered with grass and trees and ponds.  Feeling connected with nature has great healing powers.  It is very therapeutic.  Often when I am feeling stressed or down or just contemplative I will head to one of the reservations near my home and take a long walk.  The silence of nature, the smells of nature, the fresh air, the beauty of my surroundings and the simplicity of it all help to quiet my mind and get a new perspective.  When I am on vacation at some beach locale, I love sitting on the sand facing the ocean and listening to the waves crash, the wind blow, the seagulls cry, and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin.  I know I am not alone here.  Everyone loves nature - to be outside and to decompress.

I just finished reading Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead - a book by an Australian man named Joe Cross.  The book is about Joe's 60-day juice fast that he completed as a way to reclaim his health.  He had been overweight and suffering from a chronic illness called urticaria that would cause him to inexplicably break out in painful welts from the slightest touch.  Doctors had no idea what was causing his ailments and, therefore, could not effectively treat him other than giving him a high dosage of Prednisone to ease the symptoms.  Joe decided that his unhealthy lifestyle of fast food, Coke, and alcohol could be to blame and decided to do the 60-day juice fast as he roadtripped across the US.  At the end of the book (which is also a film) Joe has lost a ton of weight and was able to wean himself off the Prednisone without any flare-ups from his urticaria.  In the book, Joe made an observation that his juice fast was the ultimate in connecting with nature.  That statement hit me like a ton of bricks.  I've always known the benefit of healthy eating and have never been one to indulge in much fast food.  But, nonetheless, his story and his revelation really struck a chord with me.  When people want to connect with nature to unwind and forget about the responsibilities of life, they usually do the things that I mentioned before - go to the park, head to the beach, go for a hike.  Seldom do people think of eating more fruits, vegetables, nuts, or seeds as a way of connecting with nature.  But just as connecting with nature on the outside has therapeutic effects, so does connecting with nature on the inside.  Most people do not consider food to be a healer - but it is.  Look at Joe Cross.  The juice fast healed him.  Now I am not suggesting that everyone embark upon a 60-day juice fast.  But by incorporating more plant-based foods, and less lab-based foods into our diets, we can cure ourselves of a lot of our ailments - even those that seem unrelated to our food intake such as stress or depression.  There are, in fact, studies that show that junk food can contribute to depression symptoms.

I have made a commitment to myself to connect with nature through food.  I am trying to incorporate fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds and legumes into each meal.  I am having fun being creative with my food and sharing recipes with friends.  And I love that my children understand the importance of fruits and vegetables in their diet.  Though they may not eat all of the vegetables I make, they are being exposed to them daily which will hopefully leave a lasting impression on them for the rest of their lives.  So the next time you feel the need to connect with nature, take a look at what you have been eating recently and see if you can make a change to become more connected with nature on the inside, as well as on the outside.

I Love to Laugh

"I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person." - Audrey Hepburn

If you have spent any time with me, you know that I love to laugh.  You also know that I have a very boisterous (ok, loud) laugh.  When I was in high school, I was voted "Best Laugh" in the senior class poll.  Laughing is a part of who I am.  So is being silly.  (See the photo above).  Throughout my life, I have been attracted to fun-loving, silly, funny people.  If you make me laugh, you've got a friend.  So why is laughing so important?

I am a person who craves connection.  I love connecting with people.  I love reconnecting with old friends.  Sharing meaningful experiences with other people is what makes me tick.  I do a lot of volunteer work with my sorority and at my daughter's school.  While I am partly motivated by the desire to help, it is really my need to connect with people that drives me to stay involved.  Having something in common with someone is very important to me - probably also the reason that I joined a sorority in the first place and continue to be involved 17 years after I was initiated.  For me, one of the strongest ways to connect with other people is through laughter.  Laughter serves as an ice breaker in any situation.  When I laugh with someone, I feel as though I've made an instant connection with that person even if the person is a stranger.  Sharing a good laugh with someone opens the door for a deeper, more meaningful interaction.  Laughing makes me lower me guard.  And when I laugh with someone, it usually means that the other person shares a similar sense of humor to mine - a common bond.

A good laugh can also help me completely turn a bad mood around.  A few nights ago, I was in a bad mood (see my previous post).  I felt grumpy, tense, tired and down in the dumps.  But a funny comment that I read on Facebook got me laughing - really hard.  The tears-rolling-down-my-cheeks type of laughter.  Laughing was therapeutic.  It made me feel lighter, happier and more carefree.  Turns out that laughing helps stimulate endorphin release, as well as blood flow and heart rate.  Exercise does the same thing.  Hearty bouts of laughter, therefore, can make you feel as good as if you had just done a mild workout.  Studies have shown that the physical changes that your body undergoes during laughter can help to relieve stress, soothe tension, improve your immune system, relieve pain, and increase personal satisfaction.   So laughing at that Facebook post prompted a physiological change in me that actually helped to cheer me up. 

I am an optimistic person.  Some of that may be genetic.  Some of that may be because my life has been filled with love and kindness from other people.  But I am sure that my tendency to surround myself with really fun people with really great senses of humor has a lot to do with it, as well.  I am thankful for my funny friends and family members who keep me laughing.  Laughing with them is one of the greatest joys in my life.  I know that at the end of my life, I will be able to look back on it with a smile because of the wonderful memories, mostly including laughter, that I have shared with the people in it.  

Its important to laugh every day.  If you aren't laughing everyday, that needs to change immediately.  Start scheduling lunch or phone calls with some friends who make you laugh.  Watch a funny movie.  "Like" George Take on Facebook (his posts make me laugh everyday).  Make laughing everyday a priority. Its really good for you!!

Bad Mood

I was in a bad mood this weekend.  Actually, more of a sad mood.  I was suffering from a case of the blahs.  And for those who know me well, you know that I am generally a cheerful person.  I am the person who points out the silver lining and who tries to cajole grumpy people into cheering up.  I don't like it when people in my life are unhappy and take it upon myself to try to make them find something to be happy about.  So when I get down in the dumps, it is unusual.  I couldn't pinpoint why I was feeling so down.  But I couldn't talk myself out of it and the attempts by others to help me perk up, while greatly appreciated, didn't really do the trick either.   Fortunately, after a day or so, the blues just sort of wandered off. But now that I've emerged from the doldrums I want to understand where they came from and why I wasn't able to shake them off.  Here is what I came up with:

1. There was really not one thing that contributed to my mood.  I think it was a combination of the following things: I was getting a cold, not sleeping well, not really eating great or exercising as much because I didn't feel great.  I am pretty sure that it was a bunch of physical factors that sent me to Grumpville.

2. I felt entitled to be in a bad mood.  Since I am not often in one, I felt as though I had the right to have a bad day.  I mean, who doesn't have that right?  We are all human and, therefore, imperfect.  And expressing our feelings is very healthy.  But the problem is that once I decided that I was entitled to be in a bad mood I essentially allowed my bad mood to continue on it course.  Without realizing it, I was subconsciously deciding to be in a bad mood.

3. Since I was in a bad mood, I was focusing on the negative and became fixated on things over which I have no control.  This made my bad mood snow ball into an even worse mood and made me feel overwhelmed and stressed out.  Sounds pleasant, right?

4. I ignored my own best advice.  Although I knew intellectually how to get myself out of my mood, emotionally I was choosing to embrace it.  So rather than seeking out some quiet time to breathe and reflect or refocusing my mind to more positive thoughts, I just sat and dwelled in my own temporary, self-inflicted misery.  I didn't want to cheer up so I told the part of me that was trying to be the voice of reason to shut the hell up.

The bottom line: I was responsible for getting into my bad mood and was responsible for allowing it to linger.  I don't want to be a nasty person - you know the type that snaps at her daughters first thing in the morning because they are bickering over which television show to watch.  (Yes - this mood brought out my ugly side a couple of times.)  Next time I will try to remember this weekend and what I learned from it and will try harder to not let my emotions run amok.  I am sure that my loved ones will appreciate it!

And I guess now would be a good time to apologize to the people who had to endure my mood. Oops. . . sorry.

The Gratitude Project

"Make it a habit to tell people thank you. To express your appreciation, sincerely and without the expectation of anything in return. Truly appreciate those around you, and you'll soon find many others around you. Truly appreciate life, and you'll find that you have more of it."
-- Ralph Marston

There are so many people in my life that I appreciate.  There are so many people who I feel have really contributed to who I am as a person.  People who were in my life a long time ago.  People who are in my life now. People who were in my life for a short while. People who have been in my life for as long as I can remember.  I feel as though every time my heart beats it is grabbing onto the love that I have for those people.  I am so fortunate to have been shown love by so many different people who have each had something to contribute to my life.  My life has been very full because of them.  I've been reflecting a lot lately on how grateful I am for the many connections that I have made with other people in my life - even those people with whom I have reconnected through social media despite not having seen them in many years.  I've also been reflecting on whether or not these people who I value so much and hold so dear in my heart know how grateful I am for their presence in my life.  As a culture, we tend not to express our appreciation or affection to people unless we feel that we are very close to them. Even then, we may say "I love you" or "thank you" and give them a kiss or a hug.  But it is very rare for people to express exactly what it is about a friend or loved one that they really appreciate - that has really made a difference in their life.  I have decided that in order to enrich the lives of the people who I appreciate and love, I am going to express my gratitude to them.  I want them to understand that I value them.  That I am happy that they are in my life.  You never know what tomorrow holds.  I don't want a day to come that I regret not having shown my love, appreciation and gratitude to someone who is important to me.  I am making this promise to myself today.  And if you are reading this, I really appreciate you taking the time to read my thoughts.  I am flattered that you care enough about me and value my ideas enough to read them.  And I encourage you to join me in expressing gratitude.  Let me know how it goes.  I'd love to hear your stories!

The Greatest of These is Love

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love." ~ 1 Corinthians 13

Yesterday the Appeals Court in the state of California struck down Prop 8, which banned gay marriage, declaring it unconstitutional.  Several other states are working on legislation that would legalize gay marriage.  A spokeswoman for Minnesotans United for All Families said, "There's no reason for government to restrict the freedom to marry."  I actually find it very sad that there are people in this country who have found the person with whom they want to spend the rest of their lives who are being denied this basic freedom.  Loving others and being loved in return is the very essence of being human.  It really is that simple.  Imagine a world where love was the common currency we all used rather than fear, hate and judgment.  But everywhere we turn, these things surround us.  I am a member of the PTA at my daughter's school.  At the beginning of the school year, I started a new committee, the Respect Committee, of which I am currently the chairperson.  The purpose of the Respect Committee is to help the teachers execute the state-mandated curriculum which was introduced as part of new anti-bullying legislation that took effect in New Jersey in September 2011.  But rather than teaching how not to be a bully or how to know if you are being bullied, we are focusing on character education.  We are trying to teach the kids to have confidence, to have respect for everyone regardless of who they are, and to be kind, compassionate, tolerant people.  We are trying to do anything we can to make a difference in the lives of these children.  But its hard.  Its hard when you stand on the playground after school and hear parents passing judgment on other parents or even on other children.  Its hard to teach a message of acceptance and that our differences should be treasured rather than berated when children are surrounded by messages of intolerance.  Like gays not being able to marry.  Like a classmate being looked down upon because of how they look or act. Like adults not speaking to one another because they don't see eye to eye.  Where is the love in these acts?  I have been blessed with a lot of love in my life.  Love from family members, friends, teachers, coaches, sorority sisters, neighbors.  My cup runneth over.  And I will let that love spill freely to those around me, especially my children.  But more importantly I want to teach them to give their love to others - freely and without fear.  Acts of love fill the hearts and soothe the spirits of other people.  There is no more important accomplishment that I can think of than making a difference in someone's day because I showed them love - through a kind gesture, word, hug, kiss, smile.  And when you deny someone love, you deny yourself love, as well. You have put a limit on how much love you are willing to let into your heart and soul.  But love is limitless. Fear, judgment and hate place these made-up limits on how much love people are willing to let into their lives.  Fear, judgment and hate, in the case of gay marriage, is placing limits on how people can show their love.  Stop living with fear, judgment, and hate.  Open your heart.  Be good to people.  Embrace who they are instead of criticizing who they are not.  Free yourself of limits.   Allow peace to occupy your heart.  Live a life of love.