Conflict, Forgiveness, and Happy Endings

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about conflict resolution, relationships, forgiveness and acceptance.  I've been thinking about why and how conflict arises in even the most seemingly enduring, steadfast relationships.  Relationships of every kind - between spouses, family members, friends, etc.  And why sometimes conflict can be the undoing of these relationships. I started to evaluate my own relationships, past and present, and reflect on the times when conflict arose.  After a lot of reading and reflecting, here is what I've come up with:

My life is like a book.  A book that I have written.  A book that I am still writing.  There are chapters of my life that are closed.  They happened in the past and cannot be changed.  But there are also a lot of blank pages in my book.  These pages are blank because they are reserved for the things that are yet to happen.  However, like most authors, I have an outline for what will appear on those pages.  I even have chapter titles.  Right now my outline includes upcoming chapter titles like Our Road Trip to Disney World, Emma Goes to Kindergarten, Amy Completes Her First Triathlon, Allie Goes to College, Jake Retires.  There are other, more mundane things on my outline, too, like getting a haircut, having dinner with friends, bringing Allie to the dentist, etc.   These are all things that, when I close my eyes and envision the future, I see as part of my life story.  I am very protective of my outline because I've worked on it carefully. I've spent my whole life crafting my outline. It reflects my values, my passions and my spirit.  But the tricky thing about the outline is that it often includes other people - most of whom to which I am very close.  And as it turns out, all of these people have their own books.  And their own outlines.  And they have also been working on their outlines for their entire lives.  While some parts of their outlines may be similar to mine, there are parts of their outlines that are distinctly unique.  After all, it reflects their own values, passions and spirit.  So there are bound to be times when our outlines don't intersect.  Enter conflict.  (For the purpose of this post, I am using the following definition of the word conflict: incompatibility or interference, as of one idea, desire, event, or activity with another.)  Now conflict can be either big or small.  Easily resolved or prolonged.  The type of conflict is usually commensurate to the scale of the issue at hand.  But, ultimately, for me, the biggest conflicts arise when I feel as though my outline is being threatened; when I think that the other person is not making me and my outline a priority.  When I feel as though my outline is threatened, I feel like I am losing control of what ultimately ends up in my book.  Admittedly, the perception of losing control is uncomfortable, at best, and infuriating, at worst.  In the past, this feeling has led to some harsh words, maybe some yelling, occasionally an emotional breakdown, and, in the most severe cases, the end of the relationship.  All because I was afraid that I was losing control; that what I have planned in my outline may not actually make it to the pages of my book.  But in focusing only on my own book, I am neglecting to realize that the other person is actually making their own choices, not as a way to sabotage my book, but as a way to ensure that what is on their outline ends up in their book.

So what does that mean in plain and clear terms?  It is really rare that conflict between two people who love one another happens because one person is intentionally trying to sabotage or undermine the other.  Conflict happens when one person doesn't feel that the other person is respecting their values, opinions, ideas, passions, spirit, etc.  People like to be right.  They like to be validated in their point of view. When another person doesn't validate their point of view, they feel threatened.  They feel a loss of control.  And as I said earlier, this feeling usually leads to some sort of breakdown in the relationship.  And when a person is feeling disappointed or like their expectations are not being met, they neglect one very important fact - the other person did not want to hurt them, undermine them, sabotage them, disrespect them, etc.  The other person was simply staying true to their own values and spirit.  Ultimately, we are all trying to do our best to live a happy life and to be good to people, especially the ones we love the most.  No one wants to end up in an unresolved conflict.  No one wants to hurt anyone else.  I read a great article a couple of weeks ago that touches on this.  You can read it here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mike-robbins/compassion_b_1164090.html.  In this article, the author says, "Being curious, understanding and even empathetic of another person and their perspective or feelings doesn't mean being in agreement with them, it simply allows us to get into their world and see where they're coming from -- which is essential to letting go of judgment, connecting with them and ultimately resolving the conflict."   When we seek to understand someone, it allows us to accept who they are.   When we accept who someone is, we remove judgment of their actions, even those that are in conflict with our ideas.  When we accept who someone is rather than judging them, we are able to forgive.  If we choose to be empathetic and understanding, rather than defensive, we will really open the door to more peace in our relationships, and, therefore, in our lives.

While I really can't control everything that ends up in my book, I can control how I feel about it.  The outline for the rest of my book has happiness and peace as an underlying theme.  To be happy and at peace will require me to understand others. To not judge their choices, actions or reactions.  To realize that they, too, have an outline for their life.  That they are doing their best to be happy, too.  And that we all want our books to have happy endings.

The end.