Today's Kids are NOT "screwed"!!

I have grown extremely tired of reading articles and blogs that criticize how our current generation parents and how our current generation  of children are being raised.  Every single day I read something, somewhere, that insists that we are ruining our children because we hover too much and reward them for insignificant achievements and don't encourage creative play.  And following these articles and blog posts are countless comments applauding the author for their observations and nodding in such agreement that I can almost hear it.  Comments like "I couldn't have said it better myself" or "Love this post!" or "I wish I could like this a million times" flow freely off the fingertips of parents who seemingly agree that American society, in general, has collectively screwed our children and any shot they have of being a normal functioning adult.  These comments are usually qualified by some subsequent statements about what they expect from their children and how their parent-styling is far more laid back and that they expect their children to occupy themselves, etc.  So apparently the people who write these articles, read them and/ or comment on them are not a part of "the problem".

I used to read these articles, agree with some of the points and disagree with others and then move on with my day.  But lately I have become so sick of it all.  I am so sick of the judgment.  I am sick of people looking at this generation of children and not being optimistic about them.  Because the young people who I know make me feel hopeful.  In my work as a sorority advisor, I watched as 18-22 year-old women grew tired of the old "traditions" of hazing and worked extremely hard to change those traditions into traditions of service, leadership and excellence.  They sacrificed friendships, sleep and fun, at times, to take a stand against people who refused to change and who became bullies to them.  Despite their youth and lack of life experience, I saw them make really difficult decisions for the greater good of the organization.  In my work as a Girl Scout leader, I see Girl Scout troops in my community working together to support one another, to provide service to the community and to learn about the world around them.  These are girls who are kind to one another, who think about the consequences of their actions and who have aspirations to make a difference in the world in which we live.  As an active member of the PTA, I am often in school and witness the students working together on projects to help promote kindness and respect in school and to make sure that no student is bullied.  These children are kind. They are innocent.  And, not to sound cliche, they ARE the future.

So ultimately I guess my response to the authors of these accusatory articles and blogs and their supporters is this: You are not responsible for an entire future generation of adults.  You are not responsible for how our entire generation parents.  You are responsible for how you raise your own children.  You are responsible for the things you say to your children, for how you treat your children and for the lessons you teach your children.  If you come in contact with other children in your community, you are responsible for the things that you say to them, for how you treat them, and for the lessons that you teach them.  Can you say with confidence and truthfulness that you are doing your best as a parent to teach your child to be kind to others, to  make a positive contribution to society, to value service to others, and to not judge others?  Because those are the lessons that really matter.  And while parenting styles to teach those lessons may differ from person to person, that the lessons are taught and that they stick is really what is important here.  If you continue to preach the message that our children are screwed because we suck as parents, then it is likely that that is the message that you are teaching to your kids.  It is likely that the message your kids are hearing is that it is okay to judge other people.  Because let's be honest, most people aren't going to change the opinions or behaviors of an entire generation through a blog post.  The only behaviors they have any chance on impacting is that of their own children and maybe the children who they coach or advise or teach, etc.  If everyone does their best to teach their own children kindness and respect and acceptance and love, then the future will be a pretty great place.

"When you judge others, you don't define them, you define yourself!" - Wayne Dyer

Letting Go of Judgment

Everyone thinks that they are a good person.  Everyone believes that they are doing their best to contribute positively to society and to make the lives of the people they love better and easier.  Typically, when people face conflict with another they feel that the other person is being unfair or ignorant or selfish or dismissive or even immoral.  It is hard for many people to see the other person's perspective as being valid.  People generally feel that they are good and right and fair and impartial and enlightened.  People often feel this way while completely neglecting the fact that while they are justifying and validating their own feelings and points of view, they are judging others for their feelings and points of view.

Social media such as Facebook and Twitter illuminate the fact that people are prone to judgment.  Scroll through your news feed right now and count the number of posts that are actually a form of judgment on other people or groups of people.  As of this writing, my news feed is filled with posts that are passing judgement on people for the way they parent, how they look, how much they exercise or don't exercise, that they lip-synced the national anthem, that they are failing in their elected office, that they support gun control, that they don't support gun control, etc.  I stopped scrolling but I am sure that I could add several to the list.

People want to feel validated in their feelings, opinions, and ways of life.  One of the easiest ways to do this, whether consciously or not, is to judge or criticize others.  Whether by gossiping with a group of friends, posting in online in the form of a Facebook or blog post, being directly judgmental, or quietly criticizing, most of us are guilty of this type of self-validating behavior.  But one will never seek happiness by passing judgment on others.  

In the words of the the Dalai Lama XIV, "I believe compassion to be one of the few things we can practice that will bring immediate and long-term happiness to our lives."  When we free ourselves from the need to be right and feel accepted and validated by others, we no longer feel the need to disprove them or criticize them.  We open ourselves to a different way of seeing them which doesn't spring from the need for self-serving motives but rather from the desire for peace and love.  We don't need to agree with others all of the time, but we can certainly disagree without making them wrong.  And when we disagree peacefully and without judgment, we will not resent the other person for their choices and for how their decisions turn out.  Practicing compassion rather than judgment will help to remove the burden of negativity, resentment, and even jealousy from our own lives.

I love the quote below.  When I read it, it really struck a chord with me.  Today will be the day.  

“How would your life be different if…You stopped making negative judgmental assumptions about people you encounter? Let today be the day…You look for the good in everyone you meet and respect their journey.” ― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

And yet. . .

I've never been to Newtown, CT.  I'd never heard of Sandy Hook Elementary School before Friday.  I've never met any of the beautiful children and teachers whose lives were stolen from them on what was just an ordinary school day.

And yet. . .

I can smell the sweetness of their freshly washed hair.  I can feel the softness of their smooth, young skin.  I can feel the wiggle of their first loose tooth.  I can see their beds filled with stuffed animals.  I can see their artwork hanging on their kitchen walls.  I can hear them singing silly songs in the backseats of their cars.  I can see their excitement when their favorite football player scores a touchdown.  I can remember their tears when they fell and scraped their knee or lost a favorite toy.  I can see them in their Daisy Scout tunics and tee ball t-shirts giggling with friends when they should be paying attention. I can see their classroom with the alphabet above the smart board, the Christmas tree that they and their classmates decorated with their teachers.  I can hear their teachers praising them for a job well done, placing a sticker on a perfect test, listening with loving patience as their students tell them stories of their families and pets and soccer games.  I can smell the school hallways as the scents from the cafeteria and the day's lunch offerings waft through the air. I can see the working parents kiss their kids goodbye before they leave for work grateful that its Friday and they will have a weekend to spend with them.  And the stay-at-home parents who are thankful for the couple hours they have that day to squeeze in some holiday shopping for their children.

As parents we sacrifice so much of who we once were to become who our children need us to be.  And while parenting is hard and can sometimes feel overwhelming, the gifts of experiencing life as a parent far surpass any hardship that it might occasionally bring.  The gift of being so deeply needed and so deeply loved by a human being is transformative.  Our children  become our light.  They become our direction.  They have shaped us into a new, better version of ourselves.  Our lives have become intertwined with theirs in a way that we never understood until we became parents.  And everything that we do for our children we do out of ferocious love for them and the unrelenting desire to keep them happy and healthy and safe.  It is this love and desire that comes to define who we are.

Like many people, I spent the weekend drifting between deep, profound grief and intense rage.  Feelings of peace are brief and fleeting.  Because although what happened on Friday may have happened at a school in a town two hours from where I live, what happened is personal.  Because those children are just like my children.  Because those teachers are just like my children's teachers.  Because those parents are just like me.  Because the love that they feel for their children is the most powerful feeling that they have ever experienced and now they are left to cope with a gaping hole in their hearts and their lives from which they will probably never recover.  And it is so unfair and infuriating and depressing and painful and surreal.

And yet. . . 

When Robbie Parker, the father of sweet Emilie, spoke about losing his daughter he said that he isn't angry.  He prayed for the shooter's family showing them genuine compassion in a time when everyone would understand if he couldn't.  He expressed thanks for having been given the opportunity to be a father to a little girl who he described as beautiful and always smiling - that the world was a better place for having had her in it.  I was so moved by his grace in that moment.  The love and compassion  that he displayed in that brief interview was probably the most beautiful tribute to his precious daughter's short yet meaningful life that could be given.  I felt my faith restored by Robbie Parker because of his loving, gentle, peaceful words.   

Each day I will pay tribute to the children and teachers who were killed in that school by being a source of love and kindness to all people.  By being a a source of hope to the hopeless.  By being a source of joy for the sad.  By being a source of light for those who feel surrounded by darkness.  This is my solemn promise to them.  Because love will overcome all evil.

"And now these three things remain: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love." 1 Cor. 13:13

Standing Upside Down

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:11

This morning was a very rare one in my house.  I woke up earlier than usual and my children slept later than usual.  It was nice to have two hours to myself to relax for a bit and to do some household chores without being summoned to fetch something for someone or to mediate a argument.  When the girls finally woke up I had already accomplished a lot.  And since we don't have plans until much later today I was able to spend some time just playing and being silly with my girls.  This entailed a lot of tickling and hugging and laughing.  And somehow we found ourselves lying on the floor with our legs bent up on the couch.  We laid  there for several minutes just looking back and forth at each other and laughing until Allie declared that she wanted french toast. Off I was to the kitchen to whip up a batch of french toast.  While the girls ate their french toast in the family room, I headed back to the kitchen to clean up and was feeling really happy.  Not just happy. . . carefree.  As I  stood in the kitchen this incredible urge to do a handstand came over me.  Right there and then in the middle of the kitchen I reached down to the ground and scissor-kicked my legs up and down.  I didn't really achieve a full handstand but when I stood back up, after acknowledging that what I had done was somewhat insane, I realized that I felt energized.  And I REALLY wanted to do a full handstand.  So I went into my living room, placed my hands on the floor, and kicked my legs up against our coat closet door.  And there I was, a 35-year-old mother of two, doing a handstand for the first time in 20 years.  I brought my legs back down, stood up and then bent down to do it again.  In fact, I did it over and over again.  It felt amazing.  The rush of blood to my head, the lengthening of my back, the engagement of my shoulder and back muscles.  I Googled the benefits of handstands afterwards. I know that there are many inverted Yoga poses and I wanted to read about them and find out their benefits, as well.  I texted my sister to let her know that I had just done a handstand.  I thought that she would find it amusing especially since she is the person who I handstood with the most throughout the course of my childhood.  She, ever being the big sister, asked me if Google had anything to say about the benefits of doing handstands for a person with a history of lower back problems.  But it actually made my lower back feel great!!  There were actually several articles that listed the benefits of handstands.  Here is one of them: http://www.livestrong.com/article/178371-the-benefits-of-handstands-for-the-body/.  Several of them stated that handstands are a way to calm yourself and that many people will do handstands before starting their meditation practice.  I find that fascinating!  Especially since as children we just naturally felt inclined to stand upside down. . . just for the fun of it!!  And it made me think about children.  So much of the time we are telling them what to do or what not to do. We want to keep them safe.  We want them to be happy.  We want to teach them ways to stay safe and be happy.  But we seldom stop to think about the lessons we can learn from our children.  My husband often jokes about the fact that children primarily use running as their way to get from point A to point B.  We laugh together at the thought of adults racing each other to the conference room or to a table in a restaurant.  But so much of what kids do naturally are the things that we should all be doing.  Kids find joy in things that make our bodies healthy. They run, skip, climb, balance, hang, and stand upside down.  Just for fun.  And are building healthy bodies while doing it.  Perhaps it is time for us to learn a lesson from our children and resort to some of our chidish ways and just stand upside down once in a while.

Connecting with Nature

Human beings crave connection with nature.  The first sunny, warm day after a long, cold winter usually brings people out from hibernation and headed out for walks, time in the park, bike rides, etc.  When people vacation, it is usually someplace that is more connected to nature like the beach, a lake, the mountains, or the country.  Even in the middle of Manhattan, a small strip of land that is mostly covered with concrete, is Central Park - an oasis for the people who live or work there covered with grass and trees and ponds.  Feeling connected with nature has great healing powers.  It is very therapeutic.  Often when I am feeling stressed or down or just contemplative I will head to one of the reservations near my home and take a long walk.  The silence of nature, the smells of nature, the fresh air, the beauty of my surroundings and the simplicity of it all help to quiet my mind and get a new perspective.  When I am on vacation at some beach locale, I love sitting on the sand facing the ocean and listening to the waves crash, the wind blow, the seagulls cry, and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin.  I know I am not alone here.  Everyone loves nature - to be outside and to decompress.

I just finished reading Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead - a book by an Australian man named Joe Cross.  The book is about Joe's 60-day juice fast that he completed as a way to reclaim his health.  He had been overweight and suffering from a chronic illness called urticaria that would cause him to inexplicably break out in painful welts from the slightest touch.  Doctors had no idea what was causing his ailments and, therefore, could not effectively treat him other than giving him a high dosage of Prednisone to ease the symptoms.  Joe decided that his unhealthy lifestyle of fast food, Coke, and alcohol could be to blame and decided to do the 60-day juice fast as he roadtripped across the US.  At the end of the book (which is also a film) Joe has lost a ton of weight and was able to wean himself off the Prednisone without any flare-ups from his urticaria.  In the book, Joe made an observation that his juice fast was the ultimate in connecting with nature.  That statement hit me like a ton of bricks.  I've always known the benefit of healthy eating and have never been one to indulge in much fast food.  But, nonetheless, his story and his revelation really struck a chord with me.  When people want to connect with nature to unwind and forget about the responsibilities of life, they usually do the things that I mentioned before - go to the park, head to the beach, go for a hike.  Seldom do people think of eating more fruits, vegetables, nuts, or seeds as a way of connecting with nature.  But just as connecting with nature on the outside has therapeutic effects, so does connecting with nature on the inside.  Most people do not consider food to be a healer - but it is.  Look at Joe Cross.  The juice fast healed him.  Now I am not suggesting that everyone embark upon a 60-day juice fast.  But by incorporating more plant-based foods, and less lab-based foods into our diets, we can cure ourselves of a lot of our ailments - even those that seem unrelated to our food intake such as stress or depression.  There are, in fact, studies that show that junk food can contribute to depression symptoms.

I have made a commitment to myself to connect with nature through food.  I am trying to incorporate fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds and legumes into each meal.  I am having fun being creative with my food and sharing recipes with friends.  And I love that my children understand the importance of fruits and vegetables in their diet.  Though they may not eat all of the vegetables I make, they are being exposed to them daily which will hopefully leave a lasting impression on them for the rest of their lives.  So the next time you feel the need to connect with nature, take a look at what you have been eating recently and see if you can make a change to become more connected with nature on the inside, as well as on the outside.

I Love to Laugh

"I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person." - Audrey Hepburn

If you have spent any time with me, you know that I love to laugh.  You also know that I have a very boisterous (ok, loud) laugh.  When I was in high school, I was voted "Best Laugh" in the senior class poll.  Laughing is a part of who I am.  So is being silly.  (See the photo above).  Throughout my life, I have been attracted to fun-loving, silly, funny people.  If you make me laugh, you've got a friend.  So why is laughing so important?

I am a person who craves connection.  I love connecting with people.  I love reconnecting with old friends.  Sharing meaningful experiences with other people is what makes me tick.  I do a lot of volunteer work with my sorority and at my daughter's school.  While I am partly motivated by the desire to help, it is really my need to connect with people that drives me to stay involved.  Having something in common with someone is very important to me - probably also the reason that I joined a sorority in the first place and continue to be involved 17 years after I was initiated.  For me, one of the strongest ways to connect with other people is through laughter.  Laughter serves as an ice breaker in any situation.  When I laugh with someone, I feel as though I've made an instant connection with that person even if the person is a stranger.  Sharing a good laugh with someone opens the door for a deeper, more meaningful interaction.  Laughing makes me lower me guard.  And when I laugh with someone, it usually means that the other person shares a similar sense of humor to mine - a common bond.

A good laugh can also help me completely turn a bad mood around.  A few nights ago, I was in a bad mood (see my previous post).  I felt grumpy, tense, tired and down in the dumps.  But a funny comment that I read on Facebook got me laughing - really hard.  The tears-rolling-down-my-cheeks type of laughter.  Laughing was therapeutic.  It made me feel lighter, happier and more carefree.  Turns out that laughing helps stimulate endorphin release, as well as blood flow and heart rate.  Exercise does the same thing.  Hearty bouts of laughter, therefore, can make you feel as good as if you had just done a mild workout.  Studies have shown that the physical changes that your body undergoes during laughter can help to relieve stress, soothe tension, improve your immune system, relieve pain, and increase personal satisfaction.   So laughing at that Facebook post prompted a physiological change in me that actually helped to cheer me up. 

I am an optimistic person.  Some of that may be genetic.  Some of that may be because my life has been filled with love and kindness from other people.  But I am sure that my tendency to surround myself with really fun people with really great senses of humor has a lot to do with it, as well.  I am thankful for my funny friends and family members who keep me laughing.  Laughing with them is one of the greatest joys in my life.  I know that at the end of my life, I will be able to look back on it with a smile because of the wonderful memories, mostly including laughter, that I have shared with the people in it.  

Its important to laugh every day.  If you aren't laughing everyday, that needs to change immediately.  Start scheduling lunch or phone calls with some friends who make you laugh.  Watch a funny movie.  "Like" George Take on Facebook (his posts make me laugh everyday).  Make laughing everyday a priority. Its really good for you!!

Bad Mood

I was in a bad mood this weekend.  Actually, more of a sad mood.  I was suffering from a case of the blahs.  And for those who know me well, you know that I am generally a cheerful person.  I am the person who points out the silver lining and who tries to cajole grumpy people into cheering up.  I don't like it when people in my life are unhappy and take it upon myself to try to make them find something to be happy about.  So when I get down in the dumps, it is unusual.  I couldn't pinpoint why I was feeling so down.  But I couldn't talk myself out of it and the attempts by others to help me perk up, while greatly appreciated, didn't really do the trick either.   Fortunately, after a day or so, the blues just sort of wandered off. But now that I've emerged from the doldrums I want to understand where they came from and why I wasn't able to shake them off.  Here is what I came up with:

1. There was really not one thing that contributed to my mood.  I think it was a combination of the following things: I was getting a cold, not sleeping well, not really eating great or exercising as much because I didn't feel great.  I am pretty sure that it was a bunch of physical factors that sent me to Grumpville.

2. I felt entitled to be in a bad mood.  Since I am not often in one, I felt as though I had the right to have a bad day.  I mean, who doesn't have that right?  We are all human and, therefore, imperfect.  And expressing our feelings is very healthy.  But the problem is that once I decided that I was entitled to be in a bad mood I essentially allowed my bad mood to continue on it course.  Without realizing it, I was subconsciously deciding to be in a bad mood.

3. Since I was in a bad mood, I was focusing on the negative and became fixated on things over which I have no control.  This made my bad mood snow ball into an even worse mood and made me feel overwhelmed and stressed out.  Sounds pleasant, right?

4. I ignored my own best advice.  Although I knew intellectually how to get myself out of my mood, emotionally I was choosing to embrace it.  So rather than seeking out some quiet time to breathe and reflect or refocusing my mind to more positive thoughts, I just sat and dwelled in my own temporary, self-inflicted misery.  I didn't want to cheer up so I told the part of me that was trying to be the voice of reason to shut the hell up.

The bottom line: I was responsible for getting into my bad mood and was responsible for allowing it to linger.  I don't want to be a nasty person - you know the type that snaps at her daughters first thing in the morning because they are bickering over which television show to watch.  (Yes - this mood brought out my ugly side a couple of times.)  Next time I will try to remember this weekend and what I learned from it and will try harder to not let my emotions run amok.  I am sure that my loved ones will appreciate it!

And I guess now would be a good time to apologize to the people who had to endure my mood. Oops. . . sorry.