Why I March

Yesterday women and men around the world came together in their cities to stand up for their rights, their beliefs and their values.  They came together in protest of the normalization of hate against women, people of color, people of different faiths, LGBTQ people, disabled people, and other marginalized populations in this country.  One statistic I saw today stated that 4.7 million people showed up in peaceful protest around the world and that there wasn't a single arrest.

I walked in a march in Westfield, NJ.  The walk was expected to attract 100-200 people.  At least one thousand people attended.  It was an amazing experience.  The Westfield Police Department closed roads and provided a safe route for the walkers.  The participants in the walk stood side by side while we gathered waiting for the walk to commence.  We all admired each others signs, took pictures and talked and laughed together.  When the walk started we were met with supportive honks from cars that were held to stand still to allow us to pass through.  Marchers chanted "Love trumps hate", "Women united can't be divided" and "Stronger Together."  The energy of love and peace in the air was palpable.  Despite the damp, cold weather, everyone's spirits were high.

I marched because, as a woman, I am held to a different standard of living than a man.

I march because at my daughter's public middle school, her dress code is so much stricter than that of the boy's.  She was told to wear boy shorts to gym.  She cannot wear leggings.  Her tank straps have to be a certain width.  Her headbands need to be a certain width.  The lesson that she is learning that, because boys are incapable of controlling themselves, she needs to monitor herself.  Not that these boys need to monitor themselves.

I marched because, as a woman leader, I am tired of my voice being drowned out when in the company of men.  I am tired of needing to control my temperament for fear of being called "too emotional" or "too sensitive" or "crazy" when a man is just "heated" or "passionate."

I march because I am disgusted that a woman can be brutally assaulted and raped and that the criminal who assaulted her served only 3 months in prison because it would ruin his life.

I march because I refuse to be disrespected by men who believe they can insult or belittle or objectify women through the way they address them.

I march because it is still a fact of life that a woman walking alone is fearful for her safety.

I march because people think that its ok to call a woman a whore.

I march because access to safe and affordable healthcare is a right, not a privelege.

I march because I empathize with anyone in this country who has been made to feel afraid, demeaned, or ashamed by how they look, how they worship, who they love, or where they came from.

I march because hate doesn't make anything great.

I march because love and compassion and empathy is the only way to greatness.

I march because together we ARE stronger.

I march for myself.  I march to take back any time that a man has caused me to feel fearful, ashamed, or not "something" enough because of my gender.  Because I demand the respect that I am owed because I am a human being.

I march. . .

Love Myself Boot Camp

If you are ready to declare your independence from the things in your life that are holding you back and preventing you from allowing happiness and love to flow freely then its time for you to join the #lovemyselfrevolution!  I am looking to recruit some SOULdiers into the Love Myself Army.  SOULdiers should be ready to commit to cultivating more love, happiness, peace and miracles in their lives.  Enrollment now open for the Love Myself Boot Camp pilot program.  This program is designed to help you love yourself more by nourishing your body, your mind and your spirit and finding the ways that you are blocking the flow of love into your life.  LMBC is an 8 week program that includes daily email inspiration, webinars, podcasts and one-on-one support.   If you are ready to join the revolution or need more information send me an email at lovemyselfrevolution@gmail.com.

#lovemyselfrevolution

So it's the start of a new year.  The time of year when promises to create a better version of ourselves fill our brains - along with advertisements from marketers on how they can help us be the best us ever!  New Years Resolutions at their core are promises to improve ourselves.  The most popular resolutions are losing weight, eating better, exercising more, spending less, quitting smoking, drinking less, traveling more, being more organized, and pursuing a hobby.  On January 1, millions of people make these promises to themselves.  However, according to Dr. John Agwunobi, chief health and nutrition officer for Herbalife, only about 8% of people who make resolutions actually see them through to their end goal. Year after year, resolutions go unfulfilled.  And I imagine that year after year people feel disappointed in themselves for not sticking to them.  They feel unhappy about their weight and wish that they had had the will power to stick to their diet all year.  They are stressed out about finances and regret that they were not more disciplined in their spending.  They still have that achy low back and wish that they had spent the time exercising and losing weight to help alleviate the pain.  Ultimately, the cycle of making and breaking resolutions is one that causes us to feel worse about ourselves because we take something that we already feel crappy about, i.e. smoking everyday, and compound it with guilt and anger about our own failure to do anything about it.  What started out as a way to love ourselves more ended up being a ticket to self sabotage.  We end up punishing ourselves for what we didn't accomplish rather than celebrating all that we experienced throughout the year.

I am a person who has set resolutions in the past and "failed."  In fact, I am not sure that I have ever made a resolution that I have seen through to fruition.  This year I am trying something different.  In my reading about love and self love, I came across a quote that read, "Loving yourself is the greatest revolution."  This was a very powerful statement for me and has stuck with me.  It was really the catalyst behind my delving deep into the notion of self love and the creation of the movement that I have started called the #lovemyselfrevolution.   I chose this name because I love that it can be read two different ways: as "Love Myself Revolution" or as "Love My Self-Revolution".  The name allows for us to love ourselves as we are, while also loving ourselves enough to transform into our highest selves, which is a revolutionary act.  The goal of #lovemyselfrevolution is to inspire us to celebrate all of the ways in which we are loving towards ourselves, in addition to celebrating the ways in which we are evolving.  I have started using #lovemyselfrevolution on all of my social media posts that celebrate me loving myself.  And because I believe that loving ourselves and allowing happiness to flow freely into lives requires us to be intentional and purposeful, I did these four things in place of a New Years Resolution and invite and encourage you to do the same:

1. Choose an Anchor Word: A definition of the word anchor is "that which gives stability or security."  We all know that an anchor is what keeps a vessel moored to the bottom of the sea to prevent it from drifting away.  So an Anchor Word is a word that represents that which forms the foundation of your being - that which helps to keep you grounded.  It represents the basis of your identity.  I chose the word "Love" as my anchor word for 2017.  Love towards myself and love towards others.

2. Choose an Intention Statement: An intention statement is one or two sentences which describe how you intend to live to allow happiness to flow freely into your life.  My intention statement is, "In 2017, I am going on a living spree.  All that I do flows from love and supports living life in the most open, limitless, enriching way possible."

3. Choose an affirmation/ mantra: I have created a series of phrases that I have begun using during meditation, yoga or at times when I am not feeling grounded.  It serves to remind me of my anchor word and of my intention.  My affirmation is "I love myself.  I nourish my body.  I nourish my mind. I nourish my soul."  Repeating these phrases while connecting with my breath allows me to be present in the moment and to be in vibration with my intentions and purpose.

4. Create a "bucket list": when I went to yoga earlier this week the instructor handed out a sheet of paper with space for us to list 10 things that we want to do in 2017 and suggested we include the month in or by which we would complete it.  I loved this activity and felt like it really aligned with the other things I had chosen to do to kick off the new year.  In creating my list, I kept my anchor word, intention and affirmation in mind.  Here is what I am up with:

• Start a business (October)
• Hike through a rainforest (February)
• Run a 1/2 marathon in less than 3 hours (April)
• Wear "the dress" this summer (August)
• Visit a sunflower farm (August)
• Get a Himalayan Salt Lamp (March)
• Go to the San Diego Zoo (spring)
• Make cauliflower crust pizza (January - I did this one last night!!)
• Meditate on a mountain (June)
• Go on a solo weekend retreat (November)

I am extremely excited for 2017.  Creating these statements, words and lists has allowed me to celebrate life and inspired me to set a blueprint for allowing my happiness to flow freely.  I feel as though I am starting the year from a place of love instead of a place of fear about being overweight and failing to do anything about it.  I feel empowered and filled with positive energy.  I love myself and I want to create a life that nurtures that self love- not one that blocks it.  

I am also excited to share this with you.  I want to inspire you to love yourself and to create a life which allows your happiness to flow.  I want you to feel empowered and filled with positive energy.  If you decide to join me on this journey, I invite you to share your statements and lists on social media, to post pictures that depict you loving yourself, and to use #lovemyselfrevolution.  I would love at the end of the year to do a search on that hashtag and see all of the ways in which we all loved ourselves in 2017!!  

The Journey of Loving Yourself

Over the course of the past several years, I have become an advocate for self love.  Through many experiences, both beautiful and painful, the lesson that has emerged time and time again is that loving myself unconditionally is the root of my happiness.  No person, circumstance, object or place can cause me to be happy.  I must achieve happiness by completely and unequivocally loving myself.  This realization has caused me to dig deep into my soul to be honest with myself about the ways that I am NOT loving myself.  I have painstakingly examined decisions, relationships, behaviors and thought patterns about myself that are not loving.  It has been an amazing, miraculous journey, and, at times, extremely painful.

I have learned so much about myself, about unconditional love, and about other people throughout this process.  I have started to observe others in a compassionate light and see that the behaviors of so many people are borne of fear - and of not fully loving and accepting themselves.  The truth is that I don't think that people understand what it means to love themselves.  We absorb so much noise from the world around us - from the media, from cultural traditions, from the opinions of others.  We are told that we aren't good enough the way we are.  We are sold products to make us thinner, younger, richer, smarter, better.  And so we live in pursuit of the perfection that we are sold everyday.  But perfect doesn't exist. Intellectually we know that. However, emotionally and spiritually we are feeling gutted because we are subconsciously, or even consciously, trying to find happiness outside of us.  In her famous TED Talk, Brene Brown says,  "We are the most in-debt, obese, addicted, and medicated adult cohort in U. S. history." We are spending more money than ever on products, food, medicine, alcohol and drugs in the pursuit of happiness.  We have convinced ourselves that if we were thinner or if we could find a boyfriend or if our home looked like a page of a Pottery Barn catalog, that we will have achieved happiness.  However, as Brene Brown points out, we are simply "numbing those hard feelings." In the pursuit of perfection, aka happiness, we are actually creating circumstances that ultimately make us feel inadequate and less happy because we are using someone else's standards as the basis of our own happiness.

So how do we truly love ourselves?  What are things that we can do to genuinely show ourselves unconditional love in our lives?  These are the questions that I have been asking myself.  I have been doing a lot of reading and research on love and self-love.  I have learned so much and have had my eyes and, more importantly, my heart and soul opened to what it truly means to love oneself and why it often feels hard to love ourselves.  There are so many layers to these questions and though, in retrospect, they seem simple, the world in which we live has made it more complicated.

I started this blog five years ago as a way to explore this issue, however, at the time I lacked clarity and some life experience to fully understand that these are the questions my soul was urging me to explore.  I called it Create Your Sanctuary because I intuitively knew that we are all the masters of our own happiness and that we need to create our own sacred spaces in our lives in which we can flourish.  Over the course of the past five years I have truly come to realize that we must design the life we wish to live.  We need to have a clear vision of our authentic selves, not who the world is telling us to be, and we need to be purposeful and intentional in the choices we make to allow ourselves to become that person.  Through my blog, and other social media outlets, I will share the process of my awakening and becoming and hope that what I share allows you to become your true self.  Thank you for joining the journey!

Following My Dreams

One of my favorite scenes from any movie is the scene from the movie Tangled that I have posted above.  I love this scene so much because I can completely relate to it.  I'm sure that most people can.  In this scene, Rapunzel has just escaped from the tower where Mother Gothel keeps her hidden.  Mother Gothel has convinced Rapunzel that the world is a terrible, scary place and that, in order to stay safe and happy, Rapunzel needs to stay in the tower and never leave.  However, Rapunzel yearns to leave the tower.  Each year on her birthday lanterns are set afloat in the sky and Rapunzel, unaware that the lanterns are actually meant for her, has a longing to see them up close.  They are her calling and she cannot shake the desire to see them.  After a series of event, Rapunzel convinces Flynn Rider to take her to see the lanterns.  Leaving the tower puts Rapunzel on an emotional roller coaster ride.  She wavers between being euphoric and being overcome with fear and guilt.

This scene is a great depiction of the difference between how we feel when we act from within our loved-based narrative and empowering belief system and when we act from within our fear-based narrative and limiting belief system.  In the scenes in which Rapunzel is running and laughing and declaring that its the best day ever, she is elated.  She is so excited that she is no longer in the tower, seeing news things and on her way to follow her calling - seeing the lanterns.  She feels alive and euphoric - like there is nothing she can't do.  Her empowering belief system is in overdrive.  In the scenes in which she is huddled on the floor crying, her fear-based narrative is controlling her thoughts and her emotions.  She feels guilty.  She is scared that her mother will be angry.  She is desperate for her mother's love and approval and she fears that this action will cause her mother to reject her.  Her limiting beliefs make her feels as though her self-worth is contingent upon following her mother's orders rather than following her own heart.  Flynn Rider picks up on her fear-based narrative and tries to exploit it in an attempt to get himself out of the commitment he had made to Rapunzel to bring her to see the lanterns.  Ultimately, though, the calling of Rapunzel's true purpose, her loving narrative, is able to silence her fears.  Rapunzel finally sees the lanterns, discovers that the lanterns ARE meant for her and that she is a princess who was kidnapped by Mother Gothel, returns to her parents, and lives happily ever after.

Recently, I've been doing a lot of thinking about my own purpose and truth and my own limiting beliefs.  Through meditation, reiki, reading and writing, I have come to realize that the things that we think about that cause us to be filled with the sense of elation and euphoria that Rapunzel experienced when she left the "safety" of the tower in pursuit of her dream, are not random, fleeting sensations.  They are our calling.  They are pointing us in the direction of our life's purpose and truest self.  The feelings that we experience when we think about them are a positive energy vibration that is in alignment with the energy vibration of the love of the Universe.  We feel excited and inspired and elated because we have discovered our truth.  However, fear is strong.  And we are conditioned to be fearful.  We are afraid to leave our own tower - the safety of the familiar that we have built around ourselves to create the illusion of security and happiness.  Fear fills us with all sorts of limiting beliefs - that we may fail, we may be rejected, we may risk our security, we may lose love.  Those feelings make us feel anxious and stressed and angry and jealous and unfulfilled.  And so we stay in our tower and choose, either consciously or subconsciously, to ignore our truth and listen to fear.  We stay in our tower.  We live in our tower.  But we are not experiencing the fullness of life.  We are ignoring the empowering beliefs that our possibilities and opportunities for love and fulfillment and meaning are limitless.

I have decided to escape from my tower - to follow my own personal lanterns.  Last week I enrolled in a course to become a Certified Professional Coach.  My empowering beliefs and loving truth and purpose are calling me to become a Coach, a writer and a speaker who will help individuals and organizations overcome their own limiting beliefs and to follow their own lanterns in order to promote sustainable growth and fulfillment.  I feel as excited as Rapunzel did when she left her tower.  I can't wait to finally see my lanterns close up!

The Little Prince - A Celebration of My Dad's Life

My dad loved words.  He loved words because words strung together become a story.  And my dad loved stories and story-telling in all of its different forms.  He loved books and music and theater and movies and letter-writing.  Because all of them are ways to tell a story.  And so I am going to do my best to tell you a story about my dad using one of his favorite stories and some of his own words.

One of my father’s favorite books was The Little Prince.  This is a story that he used to read to Sarah and me before bedtime.  It is a book that he encouraged me to read again when I was a teenager.  I can vividly see his copy in my mind because it lasted throughout my entire childhood.  When Alex and Allie were born, he gave them each a copy.  Inside he wrote, “When you’ve learned the magic of reading, you’ll find The Little Prince has much wisdom to offer.”   After my dad died, I decided to read The Little Prince again.  This time through a much different lens than before.  This time I read it to hear his voice.  To connect again with my father and his wisdom.

The Little Prince is a story told by an aviator who crash lands in the desert and meets a Little Prince who came from another planet.  The aviator and The Little Prince spend a year together and over the course of that year the aviator learns a lot about The Little Prince and about life and love.  The Little Prince tells the aviator about his life on the star from which he came.  That he owned a flower.  A flower that he cared for everyday by shielding it from the wind and protecting it from caterpillars and every night by placing a glass bell over it to shield it from the cold.  The Little Prince told the aviator about a fox he encountered when he landed in the desert.  The fox wanted The Little Prince to tame him but The Little Prince didn’t know what that meant.  The fox explained that “to tame” meant to establish ties.  He said, “If you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world.  To you, I shall be in unique in all the world.”

By that definition, my father tamed almost everyone he’s ever met.  He was very intentional about establishing unique ties with the people in his life.  As a father, he worked hard to know Sarah and me as people, not just as his children.  Because we went to high school 30 minutes from our house and most of our friends lived as far, we spent a lot of time in the car with my dad.  We would talk the whole time.  He didn’t just want to know what we were doing or what we liked or what we wanted.  He wanted to know what we were thinking.  And why we were was thinking it.  In a letter he wrote to me in my mid-twenties, he said, “I love you.  Beyond love I like you.  One of the great joys of being a parent is seeing a tiny, crying infant blossoming through childhood and adolescence, to become a happy, healthy adult.  One’s child will always be one’s child.  But it is the idea of having an adult relationship with one’s child that brings a sense of fulfillment to a parent.  As you were growing up, we were not only father-daughter, we were friends.  I think we always enjoyed being together and doing things together.  And I want that to continue through your adult life and as I grow old and crotchety. 

And he brought to grand-parenting the same need and desire to establish unique ties with each of his grandchildren.   My father poured himself into his grandchildren.  He wasn’t the typical grandparent who spoils his grandchildren with gifts and treats (though there were no shortage of those).  He was a grandfather who spent much time having meaningful conversations with his grandchildren.  Each year he scheduled a special day out with them. These trips included visits to The Museum of Natural History, The Nutcracker Ballet, the Liberty Science Center, Bowcraft Amusement Park and The Treetops Adventure Course at the Turtle Back Zoo.  He invested his time and love in supporting their hobbies and interests by eagerly and proudly attending their piano recitals, baseball and basketball and soccer games, and attending all of their school concerts and graduations.  He cooked for them and with them.  He visited them when they were sick.  He joked with them.  He loved them with every ounce of his being.  In fact, it was his pure love for them that helped him muster the energy while he lay in the ICU with stage IV cancer, a broken hip, pneumonia, blood clots in both lungs and tubes in his nose and all over his body to lift his head up, open his eyes wide and put a smile on his face to have one last and personal conversation with each of his grandchildren.  He asked Allie how many more times she planned on reading the Harry Potter books.  He asked Emma to write a song about the two of them with the lyrics “I love my Poppy and my Poppy loves me.” He congratulated Alex on sinking a basket at his game the day before and discussed his play practice and busy schedule.  He comforted Will and told him not to remember him like this.  To remember him cooking and driving him around and being fun poppy.  Watching these conversations happen was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.  Because it was watching sheer love between a man and his grandchildren.

Like The Little Prince cared for and treasured his rose, my father cared for and treasured his family.  And not a day went by that he didn’t tell my mother how much he loved her.  Although most of us in this room, myself included, saw him as a near flawless man, the truth is that he grew a lot because of my mother.  My father was NOT perfect.  And from what I hear he made a lot of bad decisions in his younger years.  My mother shared a letter with Sarah and me after he died that my father had written to her after they had had what seemed to be a pretty serious fight.  In the letter my father thanks my mother for having faith in him, for having faith in his dreams and for having faith in his potential.  He told her that he needs her in his life.  He needs her to be with him to achieve their shared vision in life.  The letter was probably about ten pages long.  The final line of the letter read, “I love you.  My life is dedicated to you.”  And though there were certainly bumps along the way, and undoubtedly times when that dedication was tested, he lived up to his promise.  My father’s dedication to my mother and to his family became the very essence of who he is.

One of the most famous lines from The Little Prince is “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”  When we were growing up on the second floor of a two family house in North Bergen, we didn’t have a washing machine or dryer.  So on Saturday mornings, my dad would bring us to the laundromat with him.  While he would do the laundry we would go to the arcade next door and have lunch at Burger King.  But we would always help him fold the laundry.  Sometimes, for lunch we would get deli sandwiches and eat together as a family in the living room while watching American Gladiator on TV. On Friday nights, we would rent movies from Blockbuster and order pizza.  We didn’t do a lot of extravagant things.  To many they probably seemed ordinary.  But my dad loved that family time.  It was his most cherished possession. 

One of MY favorite lines from The Little Prince is when the rose says to The Little Prince, “I must endure the presence of a few caterpillars if I wish to become acquainted with the butterflies.”  This reminds me so much of what my dad told Allie and Alex in each of their last conversations. He told them, “In life, good things and bad things will happen.  But it’s important to always focus on the good things.”  My father was an optimist.  He loved life.  He loved his family.  And he loved that we loved him.  There is no doubt that every single person who loves him is going to miss him – his corny jokes, his delicious cooking, his reliability, and his honest love.  But as The Little Prince said to the aviator before he left, “when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrow) you will be content that you have known me.  You will always be my friend.”

Inspiration & Connection

Often people ask me why I post so many inspirational quotes on my social media accounts.  Occasionally, people poke fun at me for doing so.  I usually pay no mind to their teasing or judgment.  But I decided that today is the perfect day to respond to those who don't understand me.
Today is National Suicide Prevention Day.  While I have never been directly impacted by the suicide of a loved one, I have family members, friends and acquaintances who have been.  The truth is that life is hard.  Life is so very, very hard.  And although life can be filled with amazing experiences and wonderful people and unconditional love, it can also feel very lonely and can be extremely difficult to navigate.  People struggle on a daily basis with relationships, finances, body image, career choices, physical illness, mental illness, loss, and on and on.  Unfortunately, the pressure we experience to be productive and successful and to have it altogether has made us feel as though perfection rather than being human is mandatory.  And so many times we hide our struggles out of fear of being judged or mocked or criticized or rejected.  And so we feel lonely.  Feeling lonely is heartbreaking.  It can be so overwhelming and consuming that it can paralyze us.  It can lead us to dark places within ourselves where we can become lost. And we can become lost without anyone ever realizing it because we force a smile, we fight through the day, and we pretend.  And the more lost we feel and the more we pretend, the deeper we sink.

This is why I post so many "inspirational" quotes.  I prefer to call them "connection" quotes.  I may see a post by someone else that resonates with me.  And when that happens I feel a connection.  I feel a connection because often times these quotes are admissions that not everything is perfect in their life.  And I feel a connection because these quotes are also filled with hope and faith and love.  I believe that with hope and faith and love we can battle through hard times.  It is how I live my life - with the belief that although things may not be perfect, although things at times may feel bleak, there is always hope.  And so I share quotes and images that may fill others with the same sense of connection and hope and faith and love.  So that they know that they are not alone.

I am not suggesting that sharing quotes on social media is a way to prevent someone from taking their own life, it is simply one way that we can acknowledge to each other that life is hard.  That we are all in this together.  That we need to act with kindness and compassion and love.  We have no idea what others are struggling with.  So we need to be gentle with one another.  We need to be forgiving and understanding.  We need to have patience.  We need to stop judging.  Life is hard enough already.  Let's not make it harder on each other.

Constants and Variables

The only constant in our lives is ourselves.  The only thing that we can control is who we are, who we want to be, and what we want to put out into this world.  Everything else in this world is a variable.  They are the things, people and circumstances that are constantly changing and of which none of us has any control over.  The only thing that we can control is how we react or respond to the variables in our lives.  This is why it is so important to have a very strong sense of self - to know exactly who we are and to remember, on a daily basis, what we want to put out into the world.  Knowing who we are and what we want to put out need to be very intentional.  Being in touch with ourselves has got to be a daily practice.  So many of us fall in to the trap of defining ourselves by certain variables in our lives and we plan our lives by trying to achieve certain variables without taking time to really and truly know who we are and what we want to put out into the world.


For example, my life has been, and was intentionally planned to be, achieving different milestones over time: go to college, start a career, excel in said career, meet a man, get married, buy a house, have children.  I will call that my "Roadmap for Living".  We all need a roadmap for living, especially in a society that places many expectations on people.  However, the problem is that many people mistake their roadmap for living with their roadmap to happiness.  They are both essential tools to have with you on life's journey but they are very different and they are definitely not interchangeable.  The "Roadmap to Happiness" is our constant while the "Roadmap for Living" is a collection of variables.   I believe that most people try to achieve happiness by setting goals to achieve certain variables for themselves.  We treat life like a checklist and assume that checking off all the boxes on the list will make us happy.  In reality, this checklist, this "Roadmap for Living", is just that -  a plan for how we will make a living, how we plan to spend the days of our lives and who we plan to spend them with.  Its really like a life long time management tool.  While it may have some bearing on the joy and satisfaction we experience from day to day, there is ultimately no correlation between a successfully checked off list and a person's actual happiness. We need only to look at people who have faced serious struggles in their lives to know that this true. 


I am certain that we have all met someone or have heard stories of people who, despite facing major unexpected and unwelcome obstacles in their lives, have become an inspiration to someone, or in some cases to thousands of people.  Perhaps we have heard stories of an athlete who lost their legs to a vicious infection and went on to win gold at the Paralympics and become a motivational speaker.  Or the single mother who works several jobs to send her children to college and never resents or feels bitter.  Or the parents whose child requires constant medical attention but who are the first to lend a helping hand to friends in need.  There are countless examples of people whose human spirits have carried them through challenging and painful circumstances.  I truly believe that these people, these individuals who have a seemingly unbreakable human spirit, all have one thing in common.  They know who they are and they know what they want to put out into the world.  They know that happiness is a choice.  They know that how they respond to the variables that they encounter will ultimately determine how happily and fully they live their lives.  This remains constant.  Their human spirit remains constant.  They have control over who they currently are, who they want to be and what they put out into the world.  They have chosen to be positive and strong and dedicated and persistent.  They have decided that rather than putting bitterness and anger and desperation and sadness into the world that they want to put love and compassion and joy and optimism into the world. Yes they are human beings, and I am sure that they experience moments of anger and bitterness and desperation and sadness.  But they don't linger in those feelings because it is not true to who they really are and who they want to be.  That is not their constant. 


It is tempting to get caught up in the notion that if "this thing" happens, then I will be so much happier.  If I get this new job.  If my house was nicer.  If I was thinner.  If my husband was more romantic.  These things are all variables.  Unless we can truly get know who we are and what we want to put out into the world we will spend our days feeling defined by our variables rather than feeling in control of who we are and how we want to respond to the variables in order to remain true to ourselves.  Unless we make a choice everyday to be who we want to be and to have our actions follow suit, then we are simply going through the motions of living and waiting for happiness rather than creating it on our own.

Today's Kids are NOT "screwed"!!

I have grown extremely tired of reading articles and blogs that criticize how our current generation parents and how our current generation  of children are being raised.  Every single day I read something, somewhere, that insists that we are ruining our children because we hover too much and reward them for insignificant achievements and don't encourage creative play.  And following these articles and blog posts are countless comments applauding the author for their observations and nodding in such agreement that I can almost hear it.  Comments like "I couldn't have said it better myself" or "Love this post!" or "I wish I could like this a million times" flow freely off the fingertips of parents who seemingly agree that American society, in general, has collectively screwed our children and any shot they have of being a normal functioning adult.  These comments are usually qualified by some subsequent statements about what they expect from their children and how their parent-styling is far more laid back and that they expect their children to occupy themselves, etc.  So apparently the people who write these articles, read them and/ or comment on them are not a part of "the problem".

I used to read these articles, agree with some of the points and disagree with others and then move on with my day.  But lately I have become so sick of it all.  I am so sick of the judgment.  I am sick of people looking at this generation of children and not being optimistic about them.  Because the young people who I know make me feel hopeful.  In my work as a sorority advisor, I watched as 18-22 year-old women grew tired of the old "traditions" of hazing and worked extremely hard to change those traditions into traditions of service, leadership and excellence.  They sacrificed friendships, sleep and fun, at times, to take a stand against people who refused to change and who became bullies to them.  Despite their youth and lack of life experience, I saw them make really difficult decisions for the greater good of the organization.  In my work as a Girl Scout leader, I see Girl Scout troops in my community working together to support one another, to provide service to the community and to learn about the world around them.  These are girls who are kind to one another, who think about the consequences of their actions and who have aspirations to make a difference in the world in which we live.  As an active member of the PTA, I am often in school and witness the students working together on projects to help promote kindness and respect in school and to make sure that no student is bullied.  These children are kind. They are innocent.  And, not to sound cliche, they ARE the future.

So ultimately I guess my response to the authors of these accusatory articles and blogs and their supporters is this: You are not responsible for an entire future generation of adults.  You are not responsible for how our entire generation parents.  You are responsible for how you raise your own children.  You are responsible for the things you say to your children, for how you treat your children and for the lessons you teach your children.  If you come in contact with other children in your community, you are responsible for the things that you say to them, for how you treat them, and for the lessons that you teach them.  Can you say with confidence and truthfulness that you are doing your best as a parent to teach your child to be kind to others, to  make a positive contribution to society, to value service to others, and to not judge others?  Because those are the lessons that really matter.  And while parenting styles to teach those lessons may differ from person to person, that the lessons are taught and that they stick is really what is important here.  If you continue to preach the message that our children are screwed because we suck as parents, then it is likely that that is the message that you are teaching to your kids.  It is likely that the message your kids are hearing is that it is okay to judge other people.  Because let's be honest, most people aren't going to change the opinions or behaviors of an entire generation through a blog post.  The only behaviors they have any chance on impacting is that of their own children and maybe the children who they coach or advise or teach, etc.  If everyone does their best to teach their own children kindness and respect and acceptance and love, then the future will be a pretty great place.

"When you judge others, you don't define them, you define yourself!" - Wayne Dyer

Letting Go of Judgment

Everyone thinks that they are a good person.  Everyone believes that they are doing their best to contribute positively to society and to make the lives of the people they love better and easier.  Typically, when people face conflict with another they feel that the other person is being unfair or ignorant or selfish or dismissive or even immoral.  It is hard for many people to see the other person's perspective as being valid.  People generally feel that they are good and right and fair and impartial and enlightened.  People often feel this way while completely neglecting the fact that while they are justifying and validating their own feelings and points of view, they are judging others for their feelings and points of view.

Social media such as Facebook and Twitter illuminate the fact that people are prone to judgment.  Scroll through your news feed right now and count the number of posts that are actually a form of judgment on other people or groups of people.  As of this writing, my news feed is filled with posts that are passing judgement on people for the way they parent, how they look, how much they exercise or don't exercise, that they lip-synced the national anthem, that they are failing in their elected office, that they support gun control, that they don't support gun control, etc.  I stopped scrolling but I am sure that I could add several to the list.

People want to feel validated in their feelings, opinions, and ways of life.  One of the easiest ways to do this, whether consciously or not, is to judge or criticize others.  Whether by gossiping with a group of friends, posting in online in the form of a Facebook or blog post, being directly judgmental, or quietly criticizing, most of us are guilty of this type of self-validating behavior.  But one will never seek happiness by passing judgment on others.  

In the words of the the Dalai Lama XIV, "I believe compassion to be one of the few things we can practice that will bring immediate and long-term happiness to our lives."  When we free ourselves from the need to be right and feel accepted and validated by others, we no longer feel the need to disprove them or criticize them.  We open ourselves to a different way of seeing them which doesn't spring from the need for self-serving motives but rather from the desire for peace and love.  We don't need to agree with others all of the time, but we can certainly disagree without making them wrong.  And when we disagree peacefully and without judgment, we will not resent the other person for their choices and for how their decisions turn out.  Practicing compassion rather than judgment will help to remove the burden of negativity, resentment, and even jealousy from our own lives.

I love the quote below.  When I read it, it really struck a chord with me.  Today will be the day.  

“How would your life be different if…You stopped making negative judgmental assumptions about people you encounter? Let today be the day…You look for the good in everyone you meet and respect their journey.” ― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

And yet. . .

I've never been to Newtown, CT.  I'd never heard of Sandy Hook Elementary School before Friday.  I've never met any of the beautiful children and teachers whose lives were stolen from them on what was just an ordinary school day.

And yet. . .

I can smell the sweetness of their freshly washed hair.  I can feel the softness of their smooth, young skin.  I can feel the wiggle of their first loose tooth.  I can see their beds filled with stuffed animals.  I can see their artwork hanging on their kitchen walls.  I can hear them singing silly songs in the backseats of their cars.  I can see their excitement when their favorite football player scores a touchdown.  I can remember their tears when they fell and scraped their knee or lost a favorite toy.  I can see them in their Daisy Scout tunics and tee ball t-shirts giggling with friends when they should be paying attention. I can see their classroom with the alphabet above the smart board, the Christmas tree that they and their classmates decorated with their teachers.  I can hear their teachers praising them for a job well done, placing a sticker on a perfect test, listening with loving patience as their students tell them stories of their families and pets and soccer games.  I can smell the school hallways as the scents from the cafeteria and the day's lunch offerings waft through the air. I can see the working parents kiss their kids goodbye before they leave for work grateful that its Friday and they will have a weekend to spend with them.  And the stay-at-home parents who are thankful for the couple hours they have that day to squeeze in some holiday shopping for their children.

As parents we sacrifice so much of who we once were to become who our children need us to be.  And while parenting is hard and can sometimes feel overwhelming, the gifts of experiencing life as a parent far surpass any hardship that it might occasionally bring.  The gift of being so deeply needed and so deeply loved by a human being is transformative.  Our children  become our light.  They become our direction.  They have shaped us into a new, better version of ourselves.  Our lives have become intertwined with theirs in a way that we never understood until we became parents.  And everything that we do for our children we do out of ferocious love for them and the unrelenting desire to keep them happy and healthy and safe.  It is this love and desire that comes to define who we are.

Like many people, I spent the weekend drifting between deep, profound grief and intense rage.  Feelings of peace are brief and fleeting.  Because although what happened on Friday may have happened at a school in a town two hours from where I live, what happened is personal.  Because those children are just like my children.  Because those teachers are just like my children's teachers.  Because those parents are just like me.  Because the love that they feel for their children is the most powerful feeling that they have ever experienced and now they are left to cope with a gaping hole in their hearts and their lives from which they will probably never recover.  And it is so unfair and infuriating and depressing and painful and surreal.

And yet. . . 

When Robbie Parker, the father of sweet Emilie, spoke about losing his daughter he said that he isn't angry.  He prayed for the shooter's family showing them genuine compassion in a time when everyone would understand if he couldn't.  He expressed thanks for having been given the opportunity to be a father to a little girl who he described as beautiful and always smiling - that the world was a better place for having had her in it.  I was so moved by his grace in that moment.  The love and compassion  that he displayed in that brief interview was probably the most beautiful tribute to his precious daughter's short yet meaningful life that could be given.  I felt my faith restored by Robbie Parker because of his loving, gentle, peaceful words.   

Each day I will pay tribute to the children and teachers who were killed in that school by being a source of love and kindness to all people.  By being a a source of hope to the hopeless.  By being a source of joy for the sad.  By being a source of light for those who feel surrounded by darkness.  This is my solemn promise to them.  Because love will overcome all evil.

"And now these three things remain: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love." 1 Cor. 13:13

Standing Upside Down

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:11

This morning was a very rare one in my house.  I woke up earlier than usual and my children slept later than usual.  It was nice to have two hours to myself to relax for a bit and to do some household chores without being summoned to fetch something for someone or to mediate a argument.  When the girls finally woke up I had already accomplished a lot.  And since we don't have plans until much later today I was able to spend some time just playing and being silly with my girls.  This entailed a lot of tickling and hugging and laughing.  And somehow we found ourselves lying on the floor with our legs bent up on the couch.  We laid  there for several minutes just looking back and forth at each other and laughing until Allie declared that she wanted french toast. Off I was to the kitchen to whip up a batch of french toast.  While the girls ate their french toast in the family room, I headed back to the kitchen to clean up and was feeling really happy.  Not just happy. . . carefree.  As I  stood in the kitchen this incredible urge to do a handstand came over me.  Right there and then in the middle of the kitchen I reached down to the ground and scissor-kicked my legs up and down.  I didn't really achieve a full handstand but when I stood back up, after acknowledging that what I had done was somewhat insane, I realized that I felt energized.  And I REALLY wanted to do a full handstand.  So I went into my living room, placed my hands on the floor, and kicked my legs up against our coat closet door.  And there I was, a 35-year-old mother of two, doing a handstand for the first time in 20 years.  I brought my legs back down, stood up and then bent down to do it again.  In fact, I did it over and over again.  It felt amazing.  The rush of blood to my head, the lengthening of my back, the engagement of my shoulder and back muscles.  I Googled the benefits of handstands afterwards. I know that there are many inverted Yoga poses and I wanted to read about them and find out their benefits, as well.  I texted my sister to let her know that I had just done a handstand.  I thought that she would find it amusing especially since she is the person who I handstood with the most throughout the course of my childhood.  She, ever being the big sister, asked me if Google had anything to say about the benefits of doing handstands for a person with a history of lower back problems.  But it actually made my lower back feel great!!  There were actually several articles that listed the benefits of handstands.  Here is one of them: http://www.livestrong.com/article/178371-the-benefits-of-handstands-for-the-body/.  Several of them stated that handstands are a way to calm yourself and that many people will do handstands before starting their meditation practice.  I find that fascinating!  Especially since as children we just naturally felt inclined to stand upside down. . . just for the fun of it!!  And it made me think about children.  So much of the time we are telling them what to do or what not to do. We want to keep them safe.  We want them to be happy.  We want to teach them ways to stay safe and be happy.  But we seldom stop to think about the lessons we can learn from our children.  My husband often jokes about the fact that children primarily use running as their way to get from point A to point B.  We laugh together at the thought of adults racing each other to the conference room or to a table in a restaurant.  But so much of what kids do naturally are the things that we should all be doing.  Kids find joy in things that make our bodies healthy. They run, skip, climb, balance, hang, and stand upside down.  Just for fun.  And are building healthy bodies while doing it.  Perhaps it is time for us to learn a lesson from our children and resort to some of our chidish ways and just stand upside down once in a while.

Connecting with Nature

Human beings crave connection with nature.  The first sunny, warm day after a long, cold winter usually brings people out from hibernation and headed out for walks, time in the park, bike rides, etc.  When people vacation, it is usually someplace that is more connected to nature like the beach, a lake, the mountains, or the country.  Even in the middle of Manhattan, a small strip of land that is mostly covered with concrete, is Central Park - an oasis for the people who live or work there covered with grass and trees and ponds.  Feeling connected with nature has great healing powers.  It is very therapeutic.  Often when I am feeling stressed or down or just contemplative I will head to one of the reservations near my home and take a long walk.  The silence of nature, the smells of nature, the fresh air, the beauty of my surroundings and the simplicity of it all help to quiet my mind and get a new perspective.  When I am on vacation at some beach locale, I love sitting on the sand facing the ocean and listening to the waves crash, the wind blow, the seagulls cry, and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin.  I know I am not alone here.  Everyone loves nature - to be outside and to decompress.

I just finished reading Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead - a book by an Australian man named Joe Cross.  The book is about Joe's 60-day juice fast that he completed as a way to reclaim his health.  He had been overweight and suffering from a chronic illness called urticaria that would cause him to inexplicably break out in painful welts from the slightest touch.  Doctors had no idea what was causing his ailments and, therefore, could not effectively treat him other than giving him a high dosage of Prednisone to ease the symptoms.  Joe decided that his unhealthy lifestyle of fast food, Coke, and alcohol could be to blame and decided to do the 60-day juice fast as he roadtripped across the US.  At the end of the book (which is also a film) Joe has lost a ton of weight and was able to wean himself off the Prednisone without any flare-ups from his urticaria.  In the book, Joe made an observation that his juice fast was the ultimate in connecting with nature.  That statement hit me like a ton of bricks.  I've always known the benefit of healthy eating and have never been one to indulge in much fast food.  But, nonetheless, his story and his revelation really struck a chord with me.  When people want to connect with nature to unwind and forget about the responsibilities of life, they usually do the things that I mentioned before - go to the park, head to the beach, go for a hike.  Seldom do people think of eating more fruits, vegetables, nuts, or seeds as a way of connecting with nature.  But just as connecting with nature on the outside has therapeutic effects, so does connecting with nature on the inside.  Most people do not consider food to be a healer - but it is.  Look at Joe Cross.  The juice fast healed him.  Now I am not suggesting that everyone embark upon a 60-day juice fast.  But by incorporating more plant-based foods, and less lab-based foods into our diets, we can cure ourselves of a lot of our ailments - even those that seem unrelated to our food intake such as stress or depression.  There are, in fact, studies that show that junk food can contribute to depression symptoms.

I have made a commitment to myself to connect with nature through food.  I am trying to incorporate fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds and legumes into each meal.  I am having fun being creative with my food and sharing recipes with friends.  And I love that my children understand the importance of fruits and vegetables in their diet.  Though they may not eat all of the vegetables I make, they are being exposed to them daily which will hopefully leave a lasting impression on them for the rest of their lives.  So the next time you feel the need to connect with nature, take a look at what you have been eating recently and see if you can make a change to become more connected with nature on the inside, as well as on the outside.

I Love to Laugh

"I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person." - Audrey Hepburn

If you have spent any time with me, you know that I love to laugh.  You also know that I have a very boisterous (ok, loud) laugh.  When I was in high school, I was voted "Best Laugh" in the senior class poll.  Laughing is a part of who I am.  So is being silly.  (See the photo above).  Throughout my life, I have been attracted to fun-loving, silly, funny people.  If you make me laugh, you've got a friend.  So why is laughing so important?

I am a person who craves connection.  I love connecting with people.  I love reconnecting with old friends.  Sharing meaningful experiences with other people is what makes me tick.  I do a lot of volunteer work with my sorority and at my daughter's school.  While I am partly motivated by the desire to help, it is really my need to connect with people that drives me to stay involved.  Having something in common with someone is very important to me - probably also the reason that I joined a sorority in the first place and continue to be involved 17 years after I was initiated.  For me, one of the strongest ways to connect with other people is through laughter.  Laughter serves as an ice breaker in any situation.  When I laugh with someone, I feel as though I've made an instant connection with that person even if the person is a stranger.  Sharing a good laugh with someone opens the door for a deeper, more meaningful interaction.  Laughing makes me lower me guard.  And when I laugh with someone, it usually means that the other person shares a similar sense of humor to mine - a common bond.

A good laugh can also help me completely turn a bad mood around.  A few nights ago, I was in a bad mood (see my previous post).  I felt grumpy, tense, tired and down in the dumps.  But a funny comment that I read on Facebook got me laughing - really hard.  The tears-rolling-down-my-cheeks type of laughter.  Laughing was therapeutic.  It made me feel lighter, happier and more carefree.  Turns out that laughing helps stimulate endorphin release, as well as blood flow and heart rate.  Exercise does the same thing.  Hearty bouts of laughter, therefore, can make you feel as good as if you had just done a mild workout.  Studies have shown that the physical changes that your body undergoes during laughter can help to relieve stress, soothe tension, improve your immune system, relieve pain, and increase personal satisfaction.   So laughing at that Facebook post prompted a physiological change in me that actually helped to cheer me up. 

I am an optimistic person.  Some of that may be genetic.  Some of that may be because my life has been filled with love and kindness from other people.  But I am sure that my tendency to surround myself with really fun people with really great senses of humor has a lot to do with it, as well.  I am thankful for my funny friends and family members who keep me laughing.  Laughing with them is one of the greatest joys in my life.  I know that at the end of my life, I will be able to look back on it with a smile because of the wonderful memories, mostly including laughter, that I have shared with the people in it.  

Its important to laugh every day.  If you aren't laughing everyday, that needs to change immediately.  Start scheduling lunch or phone calls with some friends who make you laugh.  Watch a funny movie.  "Like" George Take on Facebook (his posts make me laugh everyday).  Make laughing everyday a priority. Its really good for you!!

Bad Mood

I was in a bad mood this weekend.  Actually, more of a sad mood.  I was suffering from a case of the blahs.  And for those who know me well, you know that I am generally a cheerful person.  I am the person who points out the silver lining and who tries to cajole grumpy people into cheering up.  I don't like it when people in my life are unhappy and take it upon myself to try to make them find something to be happy about.  So when I get down in the dumps, it is unusual.  I couldn't pinpoint why I was feeling so down.  But I couldn't talk myself out of it and the attempts by others to help me perk up, while greatly appreciated, didn't really do the trick either.   Fortunately, after a day or so, the blues just sort of wandered off. But now that I've emerged from the doldrums I want to understand where they came from and why I wasn't able to shake them off.  Here is what I came up with:

1. There was really not one thing that contributed to my mood.  I think it was a combination of the following things: I was getting a cold, not sleeping well, not really eating great or exercising as much because I didn't feel great.  I am pretty sure that it was a bunch of physical factors that sent me to Grumpville.

2. I felt entitled to be in a bad mood.  Since I am not often in one, I felt as though I had the right to have a bad day.  I mean, who doesn't have that right?  We are all human and, therefore, imperfect.  And expressing our feelings is very healthy.  But the problem is that once I decided that I was entitled to be in a bad mood I essentially allowed my bad mood to continue on it course.  Without realizing it, I was subconsciously deciding to be in a bad mood.

3. Since I was in a bad mood, I was focusing on the negative and became fixated on things over which I have no control.  This made my bad mood snow ball into an even worse mood and made me feel overwhelmed and stressed out.  Sounds pleasant, right?

4. I ignored my own best advice.  Although I knew intellectually how to get myself out of my mood, emotionally I was choosing to embrace it.  So rather than seeking out some quiet time to breathe and reflect or refocusing my mind to more positive thoughts, I just sat and dwelled in my own temporary, self-inflicted misery.  I didn't want to cheer up so I told the part of me that was trying to be the voice of reason to shut the hell up.

The bottom line: I was responsible for getting into my bad mood and was responsible for allowing it to linger.  I don't want to be a nasty person - you know the type that snaps at her daughters first thing in the morning because they are bickering over which television show to watch.  (Yes - this mood brought out my ugly side a couple of times.)  Next time I will try to remember this weekend and what I learned from it and will try harder to not let my emotions run amok.  I am sure that my loved ones will appreciate it!

And I guess now would be a good time to apologize to the people who had to endure my mood. Oops. . . sorry.

The Gratitude Project

"Make it a habit to tell people thank you. To express your appreciation, sincerely and without the expectation of anything in return. Truly appreciate those around you, and you'll soon find many others around you. Truly appreciate life, and you'll find that you have more of it."
-- Ralph Marston

There are so many people in my life that I appreciate.  There are so many people who I feel have really contributed to who I am as a person.  People who were in my life a long time ago.  People who are in my life now. People who were in my life for a short while. People who have been in my life for as long as I can remember.  I feel as though every time my heart beats it is grabbing onto the love that I have for those people.  I am so fortunate to have been shown love by so many different people who have each had something to contribute to my life.  My life has been very full because of them.  I've been reflecting a lot lately on how grateful I am for the many connections that I have made with other people in my life - even those people with whom I have reconnected through social media despite not having seen them in many years.  I've also been reflecting on whether or not these people who I value so much and hold so dear in my heart know how grateful I am for their presence in my life.  As a culture, we tend not to express our appreciation or affection to people unless we feel that we are very close to them. Even then, we may say "I love you" or "thank you" and give them a kiss or a hug.  But it is very rare for people to express exactly what it is about a friend or loved one that they really appreciate - that has really made a difference in their life.  I have decided that in order to enrich the lives of the people who I appreciate and love, I am going to express my gratitude to them.  I want them to understand that I value them.  That I am happy that they are in my life.  You never know what tomorrow holds.  I don't want a day to come that I regret not having shown my love, appreciation and gratitude to someone who is important to me.  I am making this promise to myself today.  And if you are reading this, I really appreciate you taking the time to read my thoughts.  I am flattered that you care enough about me and value my ideas enough to read them.  And I encourage you to join me in expressing gratitude.  Let me know how it goes.  I'd love to hear your stories!

The Greatest of These is Love

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love." ~ 1 Corinthians 13

Yesterday the Appeals Court in the state of California struck down Prop 8, which banned gay marriage, declaring it unconstitutional.  Several other states are working on legislation that would legalize gay marriage.  A spokeswoman for Minnesotans United for All Families said, "There's no reason for government to restrict the freedom to marry."  I actually find it very sad that there are people in this country who have found the person with whom they want to spend the rest of their lives who are being denied this basic freedom.  Loving others and being loved in return is the very essence of being human.  It really is that simple.  Imagine a world where love was the common currency we all used rather than fear, hate and judgment.  But everywhere we turn, these things surround us.  I am a member of the PTA at my daughter's school.  At the beginning of the school year, I started a new committee, the Respect Committee, of which I am currently the chairperson.  The purpose of the Respect Committee is to help the teachers execute the state-mandated curriculum which was introduced as part of new anti-bullying legislation that took effect in New Jersey in September 2011.  But rather than teaching how not to be a bully or how to know if you are being bullied, we are focusing on character education.  We are trying to teach the kids to have confidence, to have respect for everyone regardless of who they are, and to be kind, compassionate, tolerant people.  We are trying to do anything we can to make a difference in the lives of these children.  But its hard.  Its hard when you stand on the playground after school and hear parents passing judgment on other parents or even on other children.  Its hard to teach a message of acceptance and that our differences should be treasured rather than berated when children are surrounded by messages of intolerance.  Like gays not being able to marry.  Like a classmate being looked down upon because of how they look or act. Like adults not speaking to one another because they don't see eye to eye.  Where is the love in these acts?  I have been blessed with a lot of love in my life.  Love from family members, friends, teachers, coaches, sorority sisters, neighbors.  My cup runneth over.  And I will let that love spill freely to those around me, especially my children.  But more importantly I want to teach them to give their love to others - freely and without fear.  Acts of love fill the hearts and soothe the spirits of other people.  There is no more important accomplishment that I can think of than making a difference in someone's day because I showed them love - through a kind gesture, word, hug, kiss, smile.  And when you deny someone love, you deny yourself love, as well. You have put a limit on how much love you are willing to let into your heart and soul.  But love is limitless. Fear, judgment and hate place these made-up limits on how much love people are willing to let into their lives.  Fear, judgment and hate, in the case of gay marriage, is placing limits on how people can show their love.  Stop living with fear, judgment, and hate.  Open your heart.  Be good to people.  Embrace who they are instead of criticizing who they are not.  Free yourself of limits.   Allow peace to occupy your heart.  Live a life of love.

Once Upon a Time. . .

Once upon a time there was man.  He looked like an ordinary man on the outside.  He had a good profession, was a hard worker, had many friends and a good heart.  But on the inside this man was broken.  He carried regret in his heart and anger in his spirit.   He had been hurt by people he loved and who he thought had loved him.   He made some bad choices in his life that led him down some pretty undesirable paths.  He felt lonely, lost, ashamed, uncertain and was filled with self-doubt that at times led to feelings of self-loathing.  Each day he would set about the business of his life. But each night he would lie restlessly in bed unable to find sleep - finding instead the demons that would haunt him until the sun rose in the morning.   Until one night, exhausted after several days of self-sabotage and loneliness, the man fell into a deep sleep.  As he slept he dreamed.  In the dream, a familiar voice spoke to him.  Barely louder than a whisper it told him to let go.  Let go of the anger, the hurt, the disappointment, the regret, the embarrassment.  It told him to open his eyes and look around him, to close his eyes and look within.  In the dream he saw a mountain, a familiar place where he had gone to seek solace from time to time.  On the top of the mountain a fire burned.  Through the fire he could see his own face streaked with tears.  The man woke up from this dream with a start.  His night clothes were drenched with sweat.  His heart was racing and his breathing was labored.  Though the sun had yet to rise, he sprang from the bed and stumbled to his desk where he grabbed a pen and a notebook.  He frantically started to write.  He wrote of childhood heartache, adult heart break, choices he regretted, feelings of inadequacy, anger that he'd been holding onto for far too long, grief that he had suppressed.  As the sun started to rise, he tore the pages from the notebook and stuffed them into an envelope.  He sealed the envelope and wrote on it with black marker the word "PAST" in large block letters.  He threw the envelope, a small shovel, some matches, notebook, pen and a water bottle into a backpack.  He hastily left the house, got into the car, and drove to the very mountain that he had seen in his dream.  He hiked to the very top without stopping or looking around, just focusing on what he had to do.  When he arrived at the top of the mountain, the same spot that he saw in his dream, he found a soft patch of land.  He dropped his bag, opened it, grabbed the shovel and started digging.  When he finished digging, he reached into the backpack, grabbed the envelope and matches and held them tightly in his hands.  He stared at the envelope, and as he did, his eyes started to fill with tears.  He quickly wiped them away, but they reappeared just as quickly.   With his hands trembling, he fumbled with the matches.  After several tries, the match finally lit.  Without hesitation he held the match to the corner of the envelope and watched as it caught fire.  He slowly dropped the envelope into the hole he had dug and he watched it burn.  By this time, the tears were streaming down his face.  He was on his knees, arms clutched around his stomach, sobbing.  He cried harder than he had ever cried before.  He yelled out in anger and despair and sadness, slamming his fists into the ground before him.  Much time passed in this way until he finally had exhausted himself.  By this point, he was curled on his side, just staring into the trees.  Until he noticed that the fire was no longer burning.  It had stopped long before that - but in his emotional release he had not realized it.  He sat up on his knees again and looked into the hole that he had dug.  All that remained of the envelope were a few scattered ashes.  Using his hands, he buried the ashes with the dirt he had cast aside earlier.  When the hole was completely filled in he stood upon it.   He breathed slowly and deeply.  He felt the rush of the cool air through his nostrils filling his belly and leaving through his gently parted lips. He raised his face to the sun which was now shining high in the sky.  He closed his eyes and let the sun shine upon his face, warming it.  The warmth spread from his face through his whole body deep into the center of his being.  He opened his eyes and looked around him.  He saw the leaves blowing in the  breeze. Heard them gently rustling as if whispering secrets to each other.  He could see the highway in the distance winding through the hills.  He could see the small town where he lived with its rooftops sprinkled below.  He tried to picture what was happening beneath each of those rooftops.  He imagined a new mother bathing her infant child, a classroom full of children waiting eagerly for the bell to ring, a doctor consoling a patient to whom he had just delivered bad news, a husband calling his wife from the office to see how her day was going.  He was struck by how small everything seemed from his vantage point, yet how big the lives of the people beneath the rooftops must seem to them at this very same moment.  He was also caught off guard by what he imagined as he stared down at the village.  He had imagined people in the act of love, compassion and hope.  These were all things that he thought had been absent from his own life.  Yet if he was able to imagine these things, he was also able to do them.  He sat back down, grabbed his notebook and pen, and started writing again.  This time he didn't write about the past.  He wrote about the present.   He wrote about his intentions for living a life in which he would commit himself to giving love, compassion and hope to others.  He wrote about a promise to himself - a promise to find peace within.  To forgive himself.  To forgive others.  To try his best and to realize that others are also trying their best.  As the sun started to set, he gathered his belongings, walked back down the mountain and drove through the twilight back to his house.  When he arrived home, he removed the pages from the notebook on which he had written, and placed them in an envelope.  He reached again for the black marker, wrote the word "PRESENT" on it, and set it on his bedside table.  He sat on the bed, kicked off his shoes and felt sleep heavy in his eyes.  He laid back on the pillow and drifted peacefully to sleep.  As he slept, he dreamed.  Again he found himself on the mountaintop. Again he heard the familiar voice.  This time the voice was accompanied by a small figure that was approaching him.  He strained his eyes to see who it was, until the figure came clearly into view.  The figure was that of himself as a child.  The child reached out and grabbed the man's hand.  The man stared, amazed, into the young boys eyes - sparkling eyes filled with light and peace and innocence.  The man tried to speak, but no words would come.  The boy spoke instead.  He looked back into the eyes of the man and said simply, "I love you."

Conflict, Forgiveness, and Happy Endings

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about conflict resolution, relationships, forgiveness and acceptance.  I've been thinking about why and how conflict arises in even the most seemingly enduring, steadfast relationships.  Relationships of every kind - between spouses, family members, friends, etc.  And why sometimes conflict can be the undoing of these relationships. I started to evaluate my own relationships, past and present, and reflect on the times when conflict arose.  After a lot of reading and reflecting, here is what I've come up with:

My life is like a book.  A book that I have written.  A book that I am still writing.  There are chapters of my life that are closed.  They happened in the past and cannot be changed.  But there are also a lot of blank pages in my book.  These pages are blank because they are reserved for the things that are yet to happen.  However, like most authors, I have an outline for what will appear on those pages.  I even have chapter titles.  Right now my outline includes upcoming chapter titles like Our Road Trip to Disney World, Emma Goes to Kindergarten, Amy Completes Her First Triathlon, Allie Goes to College, Jake Retires.  There are other, more mundane things on my outline, too, like getting a haircut, having dinner with friends, bringing Allie to the dentist, etc.   These are all things that, when I close my eyes and envision the future, I see as part of my life story.  I am very protective of my outline because I've worked on it carefully. I've spent my whole life crafting my outline. It reflects my values, my passions and my spirit.  But the tricky thing about the outline is that it often includes other people - most of whom to which I am very close.  And as it turns out, all of these people have their own books.  And their own outlines.  And they have also been working on their outlines for their entire lives.  While some parts of their outlines may be similar to mine, there are parts of their outlines that are distinctly unique.  After all, it reflects their own values, passions and spirit.  So there are bound to be times when our outlines don't intersect.  Enter conflict.  (For the purpose of this post, I am using the following definition of the word conflict: incompatibility or interference, as of one idea, desire, event, or activity with another.)  Now conflict can be either big or small.  Easily resolved or prolonged.  The type of conflict is usually commensurate to the scale of the issue at hand.  But, ultimately, for me, the biggest conflicts arise when I feel as though my outline is being threatened; when I think that the other person is not making me and my outline a priority.  When I feel as though my outline is threatened, I feel like I am losing control of what ultimately ends up in my book.  Admittedly, the perception of losing control is uncomfortable, at best, and infuriating, at worst.  In the past, this feeling has led to some harsh words, maybe some yelling, occasionally an emotional breakdown, and, in the most severe cases, the end of the relationship.  All because I was afraid that I was losing control; that what I have planned in my outline may not actually make it to the pages of my book.  But in focusing only on my own book, I am neglecting to realize that the other person is actually making their own choices, not as a way to sabotage my book, but as a way to ensure that what is on their outline ends up in their book.

So what does that mean in plain and clear terms?  It is really rare that conflict between two people who love one another happens because one person is intentionally trying to sabotage or undermine the other.  Conflict happens when one person doesn't feel that the other person is respecting their values, opinions, ideas, passions, spirit, etc.  People like to be right.  They like to be validated in their point of view. When another person doesn't validate their point of view, they feel threatened.  They feel a loss of control.  And as I said earlier, this feeling usually leads to some sort of breakdown in the relationship.  And when a person is feeling disappointed or like their expectations are not being met, they neglect one very important fact - the other person did not want to hurt them, undermine them, sabotage them, disrespect them, etc.  The other person was simply staying true to their own values and spirit.  Ultimately, we are all trying to do our best to live a happy life and to be good to people, especially the ones we love the most.  No one wants to end up in an unresolved conflict.  No one wants to hurt anyone else.  I read a great article a couple of weeks ago that touches on this.  You can read it here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mike-robbins/compassion_b_1164090.html.  In this article, the author says, "Being curious, understanding and even empathetic of another person and their perspective or feelings doesn't mean being in agreement with them, it simply allows us to get into their world and see where they're coming from -- which is essential to letting go of judgment, connecting with them and ultimately resolving the conflict."   When we seek to understand someone, it allows us to accept who they are.   When we accept who someone is, we remove judgment of their actions, even those that are in conflict with our ideas.  When we accept who someone is rather than judging them, we are able to forgive.  If we choose to be empathetic and understanding, rather than defensive, we will really open the door to more peace in our relationships, and, therefore, in our lives.

While I really can't control everything that ends up in my book, I can control how I feel about it.  The outline for the rest of my book has happiness and peace as an underlying theme.  To be happy and at peace will require me to understand others. To not judge their choices, actions or reactions.  To realize that they, too, have an outline for their life.  That they are doing their best to be happy, too.  And that we all want our books to have happy endings.

The end.

Revolution and Inspiration

I belong to a gym called Lifetime Athletic.  Actually, its not really a gym.  Its more of a lifestyle and wellness mecca.  At least that's how I view it. Its a huge building (by normal gym standards) that houses an indoor lap and recreational pool complex, an outdoor lap and recreational pool complex, basketball and racquetball courts, rock climbing wall, yoga and pilates studios, a salon and spa, a cafe, childcare center, beautiful locker rooms, in addition to group fitness studios and your typical gym machines and equipment.  Included in my membership fee is a subscription to a magazine called Experience Life.  I often post articles from Experience Life on my Facebook page.  I absolutely love this magazine because it takes a holistic approach to healthcare and, unlike many other magazines or website today, does not focus on the latest fads in healthcare.  Their mission says its all: "To empower our readers to become their best, most authentic selves and to support their enjoyment of a healthy, balanced, deeply satisfying way of life."  Yes please.  The articles are so common sense-based but it seems like, when it comes to taking care of ourselves, common sense has been replaced by the desire for convenience or a for a quick-fix.  Its hard not to be enticed by the promise of getting something quickly whether it be a meal, a weight loss solution, or a remedy for chronic illness. And it seems like every time you turn around you read another headline for another quick solution to some problem.  The problem is that there usually is not a magic bullet that is going to solve any problem.  But we become so focused on trying to find that magic bullet that we ignore common sense.  Becoming a reader of Experience Life was a wake up call to me - stop looking for quick solutions and start using common sense.  More specifically, it was an article that was published in the Jan/ Feb issue entitled "Being Healthy is a Revolutionary Act: Renegade Perspectives for Thriving in a Mixed Up World."  If you are interested in reading it and the accompanying Manifesto, you can read it here: http://experiencelife.com/article/being-healthy-is-a-revolutionary-act-renegade-perspectives-for-thriving-in-a-mixed-up-world/.  I read this article and the manifesto and it was like a giant smack in the forehead.  I vowed to myself right then and there to take control of the health of my family.  Now - don't get me wrong.  We weren't sitting around eating KFC for dinner every night.  But we were most certainly sacrificing our health in favor of convenience more often than we should have.  And I did not see, or at least appreciate, that being healthy didn't just mean that I should be eating well and exercising.  I needed to live a balanced life.  I needed to make the same commitment to my mind and spirit as I was to my body.  I made a commitment to myself to make changes to our lifestyle to help us be healthier in the present, as well as to hopefully teach my daughters what being healthy means so that they embrace healthy choices throughout their lives.  Throughout the year, I've tried to incorporate small changes to our lifestyle - many inspired by the 101 Revolutionary Acts that were listed in the manifesto.

But the real change came about a month and a half ago when I hurt my back.  It was November 21 and I was in Canada with Jake, Allie and Emma.  We were there visiting friends that we met last year in Bermuda.  I was exercising in our hotel room and I felt something in my lower back and knew (from past experience unfortunately) that I had injured myself.  By the following afternoon, my back was in spasm and I could barely walk.  Standing from a seated or lying down position was nearly impossible.  It was awful.  I was in a foreign country where I had no access to healthcare or prescription drugs and I was a seven hour drive from the comfort of my own home.  It was a pretty miserable drive home and then I spent most of Thanksgiving weekend in bed while taking a muscle relaxer and pain reliever.  The back spasms were followed up by a pretty intense sciatica flare up which I had never experienced before and never wish to again.  But on that day in November when I first hurt my back I gave myself a big pep talk.  I knew what laid ahead of me because I had hurt my back not long before that - in the fall of 2010.  Back then when I hurt my back I spent some time in bed to get over the worst of the pain.  And then I waited.  I waited for my back to heal.  I stopped exercising for fear that it would get worse.  I stopped socializing because the pain was taking a lot out of me and I was just too tired.  I was feeling really down.  Its hard to be in chronic pain.  It can really break your spirit.  It was the first time in my life that I can recall feeling like a "glass is half empty" type of person. And then the winter came and it snowed. .  .a lot - which didn't make my back or my mood improve.  So I just did a lot more waiting around for my back to get better.  But it didn't.  And then at the end of January 2011 I read the Experience Life article and I thought to myself, "Maybe my back isn't getting any better because I am not doing anything to make it better."  I knew that I needed to do something to make my back get better and to pick myself up.  I decided to go to Lifetime Fitness to swim and soak in the hot tub.  After 30 minutes in the pool and some time to relax in the hot tub I felt really good.  I felt invigorated by having done exercise for the first time in months.  My back felt lighter and looser.  And I felt optimistic and hopeful.  I continued to swim and soak for several weeks and then graduated to yoga and jogging.  In April I completed a 10-mile race at Rutgers.  I learned a very valuable lesson - if you abuse your  body, mind and spirit, they will abuse you right back.  If you nurture them, they will nurture you back.

So back in November when I was in some pretty debilitating pain, I made a choice.  I knew that there was no quick fix for this.  And I knew that doing nothing was not an option.  I decided that as soon as I was able to get out of bed and drive, that I was going to start stretching and swimming.  One week after hurting my back, despite the fact that it was still an effort to get in and out of the car, I made myself go to Lifetime Fitness to go swimming.  I made myself do the yoga stretches that had helped me so much the previous spring.  I evaluated my diet and cleaned it up a bit - more veggies, more water, more whole grains, less white flour, less soda. I started having some quiet time each day to unwind and clear my mind.  I had a couple of massages.  I scheduled several play dates and dinner parties at my house - spending time with friends is always a great diversion. And day by day I was feeling better - and happier!  During that time  I also saw a chiropractor who ordered an MRI which revealed a large herniated disc.  A couple of weeks after that I saw a spinal surgeon.  The appointment was almost one month to the day after I hurt my back exercising in Canada.  After looking at my MRI and then doing the clinical exam, the spinal surgeon said to me, "I have no explanation why someone with a herniated disc as large as yours is able to move as well and is having as little pain as you are."  But I knew why.  It was because I had decided to take steps to get better. I chose to take my physical and mental health into my own hands.  I chose to really take care of myself - to nurture myself back to wellness.   And this time around I have learned another lesson - the changes I made cannot be a temporary solution but a permanent lifestyle.  I made that mistake this past year.  I will not make it again.  I have taken a step to revolutionize my life and I am so proud of myself for it.

Has anyone or anything inspired you to change your lifestyle for the better?  I'd love to hear your story!