And yet. . .

I've never been to Newtown, CT.  I'd never heard of Sandy Hook Elementary School before Friday.  I've never met any of the beautiful children and teachers whose lives were stolen from them on what was just an ordinary school day.

And yet. . .

I can smell the sweetness of their freshly washed hair.  I can feel the softness of their smooth, young skin.  I can feel the wiggle of their first loose tooth.  I can see their beds filled with stuffed animals.  I can see their artwork hanging on their kitchen walls.  I can hear them singing silly songs in the backseats of their cars.  I can see their excitement when their favorite football player scores a touchdown.  I can remember their tears when they fell and scraped their knee or lost a favorite toy.  I can see them in their Daisy Scout tunics and tee ball t-shirts giggling with friends when they should be paying attention. I can see their classroom with the alphabet above the smart board, the Christmas tree that they and their classmates decorated with their teachers.  I can hear their teachers praising them for a job well done, placing a sticker on a perfect test, listening with loving patience as their students tell them stories of their families and pets and soccer games.  I can smell the school hallways as the scents from the cafeteria and the day's lunch offerings waft through the air. I can see the working parents kiss their kids goodbye before they leave for work grateful that its Friday and they will have a weekend to spend with them.  And the stay-at-home parents who are thankful for the couple hours they have that day to squeeze in some holiday shopping for their children.

As parents we sacrifice so much of who we once were to become who our children need us to be.  And while parenting is hard and can sometimes feel overwhelming, the gifts of experiencing life as a parent far surpass any hardship that it might occasionally bring.  The gift of being so deeply needed and so deeply loved by a human being is transformative.  Our children  become our light.  They become our direction.  They have shaped us into a new, better version of ourselves.  Our lives have become intertwined with theirs in a way that we never understood until we became parents.  And everything that we do for our children we do out of ferocious love for them and the unrelenting desire to keep them happy and healthy and safe.  It is this love and desire that comes to define who we are.

Like many people, I spent the weekend drifting between deep, profound grief and intense rage.  Feelings of peace are brief and fleeting.  Because although what happened on Friday may have happened at a school in a town two hours from where I live, what happened is personal.  Because those children are just like my children.  Because those teachers are just like my children's teachers.  Because those parents are just like me.  Because the love that they feel for their children is the most powerful feeling that they have ever experienced and now they are left to cope with a gaping hole in their hearts and their lives from which they will probably never recover.  And it is so unfair and infuriating and depressing and painful and surreal.

And yet. . . 

When Robbie Parker, the father of sweet Emilie, spoke about losing his daughter he said that he isn't angry.  He prayed for the shooter's family showing them genuine compassion in a time when everyone would understand if he couldn't.  He expressed thanks for having been given the opportunity to be a father to a little girl who he described as beautiful and always smiling - that the world was a better place for having had her in it.  I was so moved by his grace in that moment.  The love and compassion  that he displayed in that brief interview was probably the most beautiful tribute to his precious daughter's short yet meaningful life that could be given.  I felt my faith restored by Robbie Parker because of his loving, gentle, peaceful words.   

Each day I will pay tribute to the children and teachers who were killed in that school by being a source of love and kindness to all people.  By being a a source of hope to the hopeless.  By being a source of joy for the sad.  By being a source of light for those who feel surrounded by darkness.  This is my solemn promise to them.  Because love will overcome all evil.

"And now these three things remain: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love." 1 Cor. 13:13

Standing Upside Down

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:11

This morning was a very rare one in my house.  I woke up earlier than usual and my children slept later than usual.  It was nice to have two hours to myself to relax for a bit and to do some household chores without being summoned to fetch something for someone or to mediate a argument.  When the girls finally woke up I had already accomplished a lot.  And since we don't have plans until much later today I was able to spend some time just playing and being silly with my girls.  This entailed a lot of tickling and hugging and laughing.  And somehow we found ourselves lying on the floor with our legs bent up on the couch.  We laid  there for several minutes just looking back and forth at each other and laughing until Allie declared that she wanted french toast. Off I was to the kitchen to whip up a batch of french toast.  While the girls ate their french toast in the family room, I headed back to the kitchen to clean up and was feeling really happy.  Not just happy. . . carefree.  As I  stood in the kitchen this incredible urge to do a handstand came over me.  Right there and then in the middle of the kitchen I reached down to the ground and scissor-kicked my legs up and down.  I didn't really achieve a full handstand but when I stood back up, after acknowledging that what I had done was somewhat insane, I realized that I felt energized.  And I REALLY wanted to do a full handstand.  So I went into my living room, placed my hands on the floor, and kicked my legs up against our coat closet door.  And there I was, a 35-year-old mother of two, doing a handstand for the first time in 20 years.  I brought my legs back down, stood up and then bent down to do it again.  In fact, I did it over and over again.  It felt amazing.  The rush of blood to my head, the lengthening of my back, the engagement of my shoulder and back muscles.  I Googled the benefits of handstands afterwards. I know that there are many inverted Yoga poses and I wanted to read about them and find out their benefits, as well.  I texted my sister to let her know that I had just done a handstand.  I thought that she would find it amusing especially since she is the person who I handstood with the most throughout the course of my childhood.  She, ever being the big sister, asked me if Google had anything to say about the benefits of doing handstands for a person with a history of lower back problems.  But it actually made my lower back feel great!!  There were actually several articles that listed the benefits of handstands.  Here is one of them: http://www.livestrong.com/article/178371-the-benefits-of-handstands-for-the-body/.  Several of them stated that handstands are a way to calm yourself and that many people will do handstands before starting their meditation practice.  I find that fascinating!  Especially since as children we just naturally felt inclined to stand upside down. . . just for the fun of it!!  And it made me think about children.  So much of the time we are telling them what to do or what not to do. We want to keep them safe.  We want them to be happy.  We want to teach them ways to stay safe and be happy.  But we seldom stop to think about the lessons we can learn from our children.  My husband often jokes about the fact that children primarily use running as their way to get from point A to point B.  We laugh together at the thought of adults racing each other to the conference room or to a table in a restaurant.  But so much of what kids do naturally are the things that we should all be doing.  Kids find joy in things that make our bodies healthy. They run, skip, climb, balance, hang, and stand upside down.  Just for fun.  And are building healthy bodies while doing it.  Perhaps it is time for us to learn a lesson from our children and resort to some of our chidish ways and just stand upside down once in a while.

Connecting with Nature

Human beings crave connection with nature.  The first sunny, warm day after a long, cold winter usually brings people out from hibernation and headed out for walks, time in the park, bike rides, etc.  When people vacation, it is usually someplace that is more connected to nature like the beach, a lake, the mountains, or the country.  Even in the middle of Manhattan, a small strip of land that is mostly covered with concrete, is Central Park - an oasis for the people who live or work there covered with grass and trees and ponds.  Feeling connected with nature has great healing powers.  It is very therapeutic.  Often when I am feeling stressed or down or just contemplative I will head to one of the reservations near my home and take a long walk.  The silence of nature, the smells of nature, the fresh air, the beauty of my surroundings and the simplicity of it all help to quiet my mind and get a new perspective.  When I am on vacation at some beach locale, I love sitting on the sand facing the ocean and listening to the waves crash, the wind blow, the seagulls cry, and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin.  I know I am not alone here.  Everyone loves nature - to be outside and to decompress.

I just finished reading Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead - a book by an Australian man named Joe Cross.  The book is about Joe's 60-day juice fast that he completed as a way to reclaim his health.  He had been overweight and suffering from a chronic illness called urticaria that would cause him to inexplicably break out in painful welts from the slightest touch.  Doctors had no idea what was causing his ailments and, therefore, could not effectively treat him other than giving him a high dosage of Prednisone to ease the symptoms.  Joe decided that his unhealthy lifestyle of fast food, Coke, and alcohol could be to blame and decided to do the 60-day juice fast as he roadtripped across the US.  At the end of the book (which is also a film) Joe has lost a ton of weight and was able to wean himself off the Prednisone without any flare-ups from his urticaria.  In the book, Joe made an observation that his juice fast was the ultimate in connecting with nature.  That statement hit me like a ton of bricks.  I've always known the benefit of healthy eating and have never been one to indulge in much fast food.  But, nonetheless, his story and his revelation really struck a chord with me.  When people want to connect with nature to unwind and forget about the responsibilities of life, they usually do the things that I mentioned before - go to the park, head to the beach, go for a hike.  Seldom do people think of eating more fruits, vegetables, nuts, or seeds as a way of connecting with nature.  But just as connecting with nature on the outside has therapeutic effects, so does connecting with nature on the inside.  Most people do not consider food to be a healer - but it is.  Look at Joe Cross.  The juice fast healed him.  Now I am not suggesting that everyone embark upon a 60-day juice fast.  But by incorporating more plant-based foods, and less lab-based foods into our diets, we can cure ourselves of a lot of our ailments - even those that seem unrelated to our food intake such as stress or depression.  There are, in fact, studies that show that junk food can contribute to depression symptoms.

I have made a commitment to myself to connect with nature through food.  I am trying to incorporate fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds and legumes into each meal.  I am having fun being creative with my food and sharing recipes with friends.  And I love that my children understand the importance of fruits and vegetables in their diet.  Though they may not eat all of the vegetables I make, they are being exposed to them daily which will hopefully leave a lasting impression on them for the rest of their lives.  So the next time you feel the need to connect with nature, take a look at what you have been eating recently and see if you can make a change to become more connected with nature on the inside, as well as on the outside.

I Love to Laugh

"I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person." - Audrey Hepburn

If you have spent any time with me, you know that I love to laugh.  You also know that I have a very boisterous (ok, loud) laugh.  When I was in high school, I was voted "Best Laugh" in the senior class poll.  Laughing is a part of who I am.  So is being silly.  (See the photo above).  Throughout my life, I have been attracted to fun-loving, silly, funny people.  If you make me laugh, you've got a friend.  So why is laughing so important?

I am a person who craves connection.  I love connecting with people.  I love reconnecting with old friends.  Sharing meaningful experiences with other people is what makes me tick.  I do a lot of volunteer work with my sorority and at my daughter's school.  While I am partly motivated by the desire to help, it is really my need to connect with people that drives me to stay involved.  Having something in common with someone is very important to me - probably also the reason that I joined a sorority in the first place and continue to be involved 17 years after I was initiated.  For me, one of the strongest ways to connect with other people is through laughter.  Laughter serves as an ice breaker in any situation.  When I laugh with someone, I feel as though I've made an instant connection with that person even if the person is a stranger.  Sharing a good laugh with someone opens the door for a deeper, more meaningful interaction.  Laughing makes me lower me guard.  And when I laugh with someone, it usually means that the other person shares a similar sense of humor to mine - a common bond.

A good laugh can also help me completely turn a bad mood around.  A few nights ago, I was in a bad mood (see my previous post).  I felt grumpy, tense, tired and down in the dumps.  But a funny comment that I read on Facebook got me laughing - really hard.  The tears-rolling-down-my-cheeks type of laughter.  Laughing was therapeutic.  It made me feel lighter, happier and more carefree.  Turns out that laughing helps stimulate endorphin release, as well as blood flow and heart rate.  Exercise does the same thing.  Hearty bouts of laughter, therefore, can make you feel as good as if you had just done a mild workout.  Studies have shown that the physical changes that your body undergoes during laughter can help to relieve stress, soothe tension, improve your immune system, relieve pain, and increase personal satisfaction.   So laughing at that Facebook post prompted a physiological change in me that actually helped to cheer me up. 

I am an optimistic person.  Some of that may be genetic.  Some of that may be because my life has been filled with love and kindness from other people.  But I am sure that my tendency to surround myself with really fun people with really great senses of humor has a lot to do with it, as well.  I am thankful for my funny friends and family members who keep me laughing.  Laughing with them is one of the greatest joys in my life.  I know that at the end of my life, I will be able to look back on it with a smile because of the wonderful memories, mostly including laughter, that I have shared with the people in it.  

Its important to laugh every day.  If you aren't laughing everyday, that needs to change immediately.  Start scheduling lunch or phone calls with some friends who make you laugh.  Watch a funny movie.  "Like" George Take on Facebook (his posts make me laugh everyday).  Make laughing everyday a priority. Its really good for you!!

Bad Mood

I was in a bad mood this weekend.  Actually, more of a sad mood.  I was suffering from a case of the blahs.  And for those who know me well, you know that I am generally a cheerful person.  I am the person who points out the silver lining and who tries to cajole grumpy people into cheering up.  I don't like it when people in my life are unhappy and take it upon myself to try to make them find something to be happy about.  So when I get down in the dumps, it is unusual.  I couldn't pinpoint why I was feeling so down.  But I couldn't talk myself out of it and the attempts by others to help me perk up, while greatly appreciated, didn't really do the trick either.   Fortunately, after a day or so, the blues just sort of wandered off. But now that I've emerged from the doldrums I want to understand where they came from and why I wasn't able to shake them off.  Here is what I came up with:

1. There was really not one thing that contributed to my mood.  I think it was a combination of the following things: I was getting a cold, not sleeping well, not really eating great or exercising as much because I didn't feel great.  I am pretty sure that it was a bunch of physical factors that sent me to Grumpville.

2. I felt entitled to be in a bad mood.  Since I am not often in one, I felt as though I had the right to have a bad day.  I mean, who doesn't have that right?  We are all human and, therefore, imperfect.  And expressing our feelings is very healthy.  But the problem is that once I decided that I was entitled to be in a bad mood I essentially allowed my bad mood to continue on it course.  Without realizing it, I was subconsciously deciding to be in a bad mood.

3. Since I was in a bad mood, I was focusing on the negative and became fixated on things over which I have no control.  This made my bad mood snow ball into an even worse mood and made me feel overwhelmed and stressed out.  Sounds pleasant, right?

4. I ignored my own best advice.  Although I knew intellectually how to get myself out of my mood, emotionally I was choosing to embrace it.  So rather than seeking out some quiet time to breathe and reflect or refocusing my mind to more positive thoughts, I just sat and dwelled in my own temporary, self-inflicted misery.  I didn't want to cheer up so I told the part of me that was trying to be the voice of reason to shut the hell up.

The bottom line: I was responsible for getting into my bad mood and was responsible for allowing it to linger.  I don't want to be a nasty person - you know the type that snaps at her daughters first thing in the morning because they are bickering over which television show to watch.  (Yes - this mood brought out my ugly side a couple of times.)  Next time I will try to remember this weekend and what I learned from it and will try harder to not let my emotions run amok.  I am sure that my loved ones will appreciate it!

And I guess now would be a good time to apologize to the people who had to endure my mood. Oops. . . sorry.

The Gratitude Project

"Make it a habit to tell people thank you. To express your appreciation, sincerely and without the expectation of anything in return. Truly appreciate those around you, and you'll soon find many others around you. Truly appreciate life, and you'll find that you have more of it."
-- Ralph Marston

There are so many people in my life that I appreciate.  There are so many people who I feel have really contributed to who I am as a person.  People who were in my life a long time ago.  People who are in my life now. People who were in my life for a short while. People who have been in my life for as long as I can remember.  I feel as though every time my heart beats it is grabbing onto the love that I have for those people.  I am so fortunate to have been shown love by so many different people who have each had something to contribute to my life.  My life has been very full because of them.  I've been reflecting a lot lately on how grateful I am for the many connections that I have made with other people in my life - even those people with whom I have reconnected through social media despite not having seen them in many years.  I've also been reflecting on whether or not these people who I value so much and hold so dear in my heart know how grateful I am for their presence in my life.  As a culture, we tend not to express our appreciation or affection to people unless we feel that we are very close to them. Even then, we may say "I love you" or "thank you" and give them a kiss or a hug.  But it is very rare for people to express exactly what it is about a friend or loved one that they really appreciate - that has really made a difference in their life.  I have decided that in order to enrich the lives of the people who I appreciate and love, I am going to express my gratitude to them.  I want them to understand that I value them.  That I am happy that they are in my life.  You never know what tomorrow holds.  I don't want a day to come that I regret not having shown my love, appreciation and gratitude to someone who is important to me.  I am making this promise to myself today.  And if you are reading this, I really appreciate you taking the time to read my thoughts.  I am flattered that you care enough about me and value my ideas enough to read them.  And I encourage you to join me in expressing gratitude.  Let me know how it goes.  I'd love to hear your stories!

The Greatest of These is Love

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love." ~ 1 Corinthians 13

Yesterday the Appeals Court in the state of California struck down Prop 8, which banned gay marriage, declaring it unconstitutional.  Several other states are working on legislation that would legalize gay marriage.  A spokeswoman for Minnesotans United for All Families said, "There's no reason for government to restrict the freedom to marry."  I actually find it very sad that there are people in this country who have found the person with whom they want to spend the rest of their lives who are being denied this basic freedom.  Loving others and being loved in return is the very essence of being human.  It really is that simple.  Imagine a world where love was the common currency we all used rather than fear, hate and judgment.  But everywhere we turn, these things surround us.  I am a member of the PTA at my daughter's school.  At the beginning of the school year, I started a new committee, the Respect Committee, of which I am currently the chairperson.  The purpose of the Respect Committee is to help the teachers execute the state-mandated curriculum which was introduced as part of new anti-bullying legislation that took effect in New Jersey in September 2011.  But rather than teaching how not to be a bully or how to know if you are being bullied, we are focusing on character education.  We are trying to teach the kids to have confidence, to have respect for everyone regardless of who they are, and to be kind, compassionate, tolerant people.  We are trying to do anything we can to make a difference in the lives of these children.  But its hard.  Its hard when you stand on the playground after school and hear parents passing judgment on other parents or even on other children.  Its hard to teach a message of acceptance and that our differences should be treasured rather than berated when children are surrounded by messages of intolerance.  Like gays not being able to marry.  Like a classmate being looked down upon because of how they look or act. Like adults not speaking to one another because they don't see eye to eye.  Where is the love in these acts?  I have been blessed with a lot of love in my life.  Love from family members, friends, teachers, coaches, sorority sisters, neighbors.  My cup runneth over.  And I will let that love spill freely to those around me, especially my children.  But more importantly I want to teach them to give their love to others - freely and without fear.  Acts of love fill the hearts and soothe the spirits of other people.  There is no more important accomplishment that I can think of than making a difference in someone's day because I showed them love - through a kind gesture, word, hug, kiss, smile.  And when you deny someone love, you deny yourself love, as well. You have put a limit on how much love you are willing to let into your heart and soul.  But love is limitless. Fear, judgment and hate place these made-up limits on how much love people are willing to let into their lives.  Fear, judgment and hate, in the case of gay marriage, is placing limits on how people can show their love.  Stop living with fear, judgment, and hate.  Open your heart.  Be good to people.  Embrace who they are instead of criticizing who they are not.  Free yourself of limits.   Allow peace to occupy your heart.  Live a life of love.

Once Upon a Time. . .

Once upon a time there was man.  He looked like an ordinary man on the outside.  He had a good profession, was a hard worker, had many friends and a good heart.  But on the inside this man was broken.  He carried regret in his heart and anger in his spirit.   He had been hurt by people he loved and who he thought had loved him.   He made some bad choices in his life that led him down some pretty undesirable paths.  He felt lonely, lost, ashamed, uncertain and was filled with self-doubt that at times led to feelings of self-loathing.  Each day he would set about the business of his life. But each night he would lie restlessly in bed unable to find sleep - finding instead the demons that would haunt him until the sun rose in the morning.   Until one night, exhausted after several days of self-sabotage and loneliness, the man fell into a deep sleep.  As he slept he dreamed.  In the dream, a familiar voice spoke to him.  Barely louder than a whisper it told him to let go.  Let go of the anger, the hurt, the disappointment, the regret, the embarrassment.  It told him to open his eyes and look around him, to close his eyes and look within.  In the dream he saw a mountain, a familiar place where he had gone to seek solace from time to time.  On the top of the mountain a fire burned.  Through the fire he could see his own face streaked with tears.  The man woke up from this dream with a start.  His night clothes were drenched with sweat.  His heart was racing and his breathing was labored.  Though the sun had yet to rise, he sprang from the bed and stumbled to his desk where he grabbed a pen and a notebook.  He frantically started to write.  He wrote of childhood heartache, adult heart break, choices he regretted, feelings of inadequacy, anger that he'd been holding onto for far too long, grief that he had suppressed.  As the sun started to rise, he tore the pages from the notebook and stuffed them into an envelope.  He sealed the envelope and wrote on it with black marker the word "PAST" in large block letters.  He threw the envelope, a small shovel, some matches, notebook, pen and a water bottle into a backpack.  He hastily left the house, got into the car, and drove to the very mountain that he had seen in his dream.  He hiked to the very top without stopping or looking around, just focusing on what he had to do.  When he arrived at the top of the mountain, the same spot that he saw in his dream, he found a soft patch of land.  He dropped his bag, opened it, grabbed the shovel and started digging.  When he finished digging, he reached into the backpack, grabbed the envelope and matches and held them tightly in his hands.  He stared at the envelope, and as he did, his eyes started to fill with tears.  He quickly wiped them away, but they reappeared just as quickly.   With his hands trembling, he fumbled with the matches.  After several tries, the match finally lit.  Without hesitation he held the match to the corner of the envelope and watched as it caught fire.  He slowly dropped the envelope into the hole he had dug and he watched it burn.  By this time, the tears were streaming down his face.  He was on his knees, arms clutched around his stomach, sobbing.  He cried harder than he had ever cried before.  He yelled out in anger and despair and sadness, slamming his fists into the ground before him.  Much time passed in this way until he finally had exhausted himself.  By this point, he was curled on his side, just staring into the trees.  Until he noticed that the fire was no longer burning.  It had stopped long before that - but in his emotional release he had not realized it.  He sat up on his knees again and looked into the hole that he had dug.  All that remained of the envelope were a few scattered ashes.  Using his hands, he buried the ashes with the dirt he had cast aside earlier.  When the hole was completely filled in he stood upon it.   He breathed slowly and deeply.  He felt the rush of the cool air through his nostrils filling his belly and leaving through his gently parted lips. He raised his face to the sun which was now shining high in the sky.  He closed his eyes and let the sun shine upon his face, warming it.  The warmth spread from his face through his whole body deep into the center of his being.  He opened his eyes and looked around him.  He saw the leaves blowing in the  breeze. Heard them gently rustling as if whispering secrets to each other.  He could see the highway in the distance winding through the hills.  He could see the small town where he lived with its rooftops sprinkled below.  He tried to picture what was happening beneath each of those rooftops.  He imagined a new mother bathing her infant child, a classroom full of children waiting eagerly for the bell to ring, a doctor consoling a patient to whom he had just delivered bad news, a husband calling his wife from the office to see how her day was going.  He was struck by how small everything seemed from his vantage point, yet how big the lives of the people beneath the rooftops must seem to them at this very same moment.  He was also caught off guard by what he imagined as he stared down at the village.  He had imagined people in the act of love, compassion and hope.  These were all things that he thought had been absent from his own life.  Yet if he was able to imagine these things, he was also able to do them.  He sat back down, grabbed his notebook and pen, and started writing again.  This time he didn't write about the past.  He wrote about the present.   He wrote about his intentions for living a life in which he would commit himself to giving love, compassion and hope to others.  He wrote about a promise to himself - a promise to find peace within.  To forgive himself.  To forgive others.  To try his best and to realize that others are also trying their best.  As the sun started to set, he gathered his belongings, walked back down the mountain and drove through the twilight back to his house.  When he arrived home, he removed the pages from the notebook on which he had written, and placed them in an envelope.  He reached again for the black marker, wrote the word "PRESENT" on it, and set it on his bedside table.  He sat on the bed, kicked off his shoes and felt sleep heavy in his eyes.  He laid back on the pillow and drifted peacefully to sleep.  As he slept, he dreamed.  Again he found himself on the mountaintop. Again he heard the familiar voice.  This time the voice was accompanied by a small figure that was approaching him.  He strained his eyes to see who it was, until the figure came clearly into view.  The figure was that of himself as a child.  The child reached out and grabbed the man's hand.  The man stared, amazed, into the young boys eyes - sparkling eyes filled with light and peace and innocence.  The man tried to speak, but no words would come.  The boy spoke instead.  He looked back into the eyes of the man and said simply, "I love you."

Conflict, Forgiveness, and Happy Endings

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about conflict resolution, relationships, forgiveness and acceptance.  I've been thinking about why and how conflict arises in even the most seemingly enduring, steadfast relationships.  Relationships of every kind - between spouses, family members, friends, etc.  And why sometimes conflict can be the undoing of these relationships. I started to evaluate my own relationships, past and present, and reflect on the times when conflict arose.  After a lot of reading and reflecting, here is what I've come up with:

My life is like a book.  A book that I have written.  A book that I am still writing.  There are chapters of my life that are closed.  They happened in the past and cannot be changed.  But there are also a lot of blank pages in my book.  These pages are blank because they are reserved for the things that are yet to happen.  However, like most authors, I have an outline for what will appear on those pages.  I even have chapter titles.  Right now my outline includes upcoming chapter titles like Our Road Trip to Disney World, Emma Goes to Kindergarten, Amy Completes Her First Triathlon, Allie Goes to College, Jake Retires.  There are other, more mundane things on my outline, too, like getting a haircut, having dinner with friends, bringing Allie to the dentist, etc.   These are all things that, when I close my eyes and envision the future, I see as part of my life story.  I am very protective of my outline because I've worked on it carefully. I've spent my whole life crafting my outline. It reflects my values, my passions and my spirit.  But the tricky thing about the outline is that it often includes other people - most of whom to which I am very close.  And as it turns out, all of these people have their own books.  And their own outlines.  And they have also been working on their outlines for their entire lives.  While some parts of their outlines may be similar to mine, there are parts of their outlines that are distinctly unique.  After all, it reflects their own values, passions and spirit.  So there are bound to be times when our outlines don't intersect.  Enter conflict.  (For the purpose of this post, I am using the following definition of the word conflict: incompatibility or interference, as of one idea, desire, event, or activity with another.)  Now conflict can be either big or small.  Easily resolved or prolonged.  The type of conflict is usually commensurate to the scale of the issue at hand.  But, ultimately, for me, the biggest conflicts arise when I feel as though my outline is being threatened; when I think that the other person is not making me and my outline a priority.  When I feel as though my outline is threatened, I feel like I am losing control of what ultimately ends up in my book.  Admittedly, the perception of losing control is uncomfortable, at best, and infuriating, at worst.  In the past, this feeling has led to some harsh words, maybe some yelling, occasionally an emotional breakdown, and, in the most severe cases, the end of the relationship.  All because I was afraid that I was losing control; that what I have planned in my outline may not actually make it to the pages of my book.  But in focusing only on my own book, I am neglecting to realize that the other person is actually making their own choices, not as a way to sabotage my book, but as a way to ensure that what is on their outline ends up in their book.

So what does that mean in plain and clear terms?  It is really rare that conflict between two people who love one another happens because one person is intentionally trying to sabotage or undermine the other.  Conflict happens when one person doesn't feel that the other person is respecting their values, opinions, ideas, passions, spirit, etc.  People like to be right.  They like to be validated in their point of view. When another person doesn't validate their point of view, they feel threatened.  They feel a loss of control.  And as I said earlier, this feeling usually leads to some sort of breakdown in the relationship.  And when a person is feeling disappointed or like their expectations are not being met, they neglect one very important fact - the other person did not want to hurt them, undermine them, sabotage them, disrespect them, etc.  The other person was simply staying true to their own values and spirit.  Ultimately, we are all trying to do our best to live a happy life and to be good to people, especially the ones we love the most.  No one wants to end up in an unresolved conflict.  No one wants to hurt anyone else.  I read a great article a couple of weeks ago that touches on this.  You can read it here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mike-robbins/compassion_b_1164090.html.  In this article, the author says, "Being curious, understanding and even empathetic of another person and their perspective or feelings doesn't mean being in agreement with them, it simply allows us to get into their world and see where they're coming from -- which is essential to letting go of judgment, connecting with them and ultimately resolving the conflict."   When we seek to understand someone, it allows us to accept who they are.   When we accept who someone is, we remove judgment of their actions, even those that are in conflict with our ideas.  When we accept who someone is rather than judging them, we are able to forgive.  If we choose to be empathetic and understanding, rather than defensive, we will really open the door to more peace in our relationships, and, therefore, in our lives.

While I really can't control everything that ends up in my book, I can control how I feel about it.  The outline for the rest of my book has happiness and peace as an underlying theme.  To be happy and at peace will require me to understand others. To not judge their choices, actions or reactions.  To realize that they, too, have an outline for their life.  That they are doing their best to be happy, too.  And that we all want our books to have happy endings.

The end.

Revolution and Inspiration

I belong to a gym called Lifetime Athletic.  Actually, its not really a gym.  Its more of a lifestyle and wellness mecca.  At least that's how I view it. Its a huge building (by normal gym standards) that houses an indoor lap and recreational pool complex, an outdoor lap and recreational pool complex, basketball and racquetball courts, rock climbing wall, yoga and pilates studios, a salon and spa, a cafe, childcare center, beautiful locker rooms, in addition to group fitness studios and your typical gym machines and equipment.  Included in my membership fee is a subscription to a magazine called Experience Life.  I often post articles from Experience Life on my Facebook page.  I absolutely love this magazine because it takes a holistic approach to healthcare and, unlike many other magazines or website today, does not focus on the latest fads in healthcare.  Their mission says its all: "To empower our readers to become their best, most authentic selves and to support their enjoyment of a healthy, balanced, deeply satisfying way of life."  Yes please.  The articles are so common sense-based but it seems like, when it comes to taking care of ourselves, common sense has been replaced by the desire for convenience or a for a quick-fix.  Its hard not to be enticed by the promise of getting something quickly whether it be a meal, a weight loss solution, or a remedy for chronic illness. And it seems like every time you turn around you read another headline for another quick solution to some problem.  The problem is that there usually is not a magic bullet that is going to solve any problem.  But we become so focused on trying to find that magic bullet that we ignore common sense.  Becoming a reader of Experience Life was a wake up call to me - stop looking for quick solutions and start using common sense.  More specifically, it was an article that was published in the Jan/ Feb issue entitled "Being Healthy is a Revolutionary Act: Renegade Perspectives for Thriving in a Mixed Up World."  If you are interested in reading it and the accompanying Manifesto, you can read it here: http://experiencelife.com/article/being-healthy-is-a-revolutionary-act-renegade-perspectives-for-thriving-in-a-mixed-up-world/.  I read this article and the manifesto and it was like a giant smack in the forehead.  I vowed to myself right then and there to take control of the health of my family.  Now - don't get me wrong.  We weren't sitting around eating KFC for dinner every night.  But we were most certainly sacrificing our health in favor of convenience more often than we should have.  And I did not see, or at least appreciate, that being healthy didn't just mean that I should be eating well and exercising.  I needed to live a balanced life.  I needed to make the same commitment to my mind and spirit as I was to my body.  I made a commitment to myself to make changes to our lifestyle to help us be healthier in the present, as well as to hopefully teach my daughters what being healthy means so that they embrace healthy choices throughout their lives.  Throughout the year, I've tried to incorporate small changes to our lifestyle - many inspired by the 101 Revolutionary Acts that were listed in the manifesto.

But the real change came about a month and a half ago when I hurt my back.  It was November 21 and I was in Canada with Jake, Allie and Emma.  We were there visiting friends that we met last year in Bermuda.  I was exercising in our hotel room and I felt something in my lower back and knew (from past experience unfortunately) that I had injured myself.  By the following afternoon, my back was in spasm and I could barely walk.  Standing from a seated or lying down position was nearly impossible.  It was awful.  I was in a foreign country where I had no access to healthcare or prescription drugs and I was a seven hour drive from the comfort of my own home.  It was a pretty miserable drive home and then I spent most of Thanksgiving weekend in bed while taking a muscle relaxer and pain reliever.  The back spasms were followed up by a pretty intense sciatica flare up which I had never experienced before and never wish to again.  But on that day in November when I first hurt my back I gave myself a big pep talk.  I knew what laid ahead of me because I had hurt my back not long before that - in the fall of 2010.  Back then when I hurt my back I spent some time in bed to get over the worst of the pain.  And then I waited.  I waited for my back to heal.  I stopped exercising for fear that it would get worse.  I stopped socializing because the pain was taking a lot out of me and I was just too tired.  I was feeling really down.  Its hard to be in chronic pain.  It can really break your spirit.  It was the first time in my life that I can recall feeling like a "glass is half empty" type of person. And then the winter came and it snowed. .  .a lot - which didn't make my back or my mood improve.  So I just did a lot more waiting around for my back to get better.  But it didn't.  And then at the end of January 2011 I read the Experience Life article and I thought to myself, "Maybe my back isn't getting any better because I am not doing anything to make it better."  I knew that I needed to do something to make my back get better and to pick myself up.  I decided to go to Lifetime Fitness to swim and soak in the hot tub.  After 30 minutes in the pool and some time to relax in the hot tub I felt really good.  I felt invigorated by having done exercise for the first time in months.  My back felt lighter and looser.  And I felt optimistic and hopeful.  I continued to swim and soak for several weeks and then graduated to yoga and jogging.  In April I completed a 10-mile race at Rutgers.  I learned a very valuable lesson - if you abuse your  body, mind and spirit, they will abuse you right back.  If you nurture them, they will nurture you back.

So back in November when I was in some pretty debilitating pain, I made a choice.  I knew that there was no quick fix for this.  And I knew that doing nothing was not an option.  I decided that as soon as I was able to get out of bed and drive, that I was going to start stretching and swimming.  One week after hurting my back, despite the fact that it was still an effort to get in and out of the car, I made myself go to Lifetime Fitness to go swimming.  I made myself do the yoga stretches that had helped me so much the previous spring.  I evaluated my diet and cleaned it up a bit - more veggies, more water, more whole grains, less white flour, less soda. I started having some quiet time each day to unwind and clear my mind.  I had a couple of massages.  I scheduled several play dates and dinner parties at my house - spending time with friends is always a great diversion. And day by day I was feeling better - and happier!  During that time  I also saw a chiropractor who ordered an MRI which revealed a large herniated disc.  A couple of weeks after that I saw a spinal surgeon.  The appointment was almost one month to the day after I hurt my back exercising in Canada.  After looking at my MRI and then doing the clinical exam, the spinal surgeon said to me, "I have no explanation why someone with a herniated disc as large as yours is able to move as well and is having as little pain as you are."  But I knew why.  It was because I had decided to take steps to get better. I chose to take my physical and mental health into my own hands.  I chose to really take care of myself - to nurture myself back to wellness.   And this time around I have learned another lesson - the changes I made cannot be a temporary solution but a permanent lifestyle.  I made that mistake this past year.  I will not make it again.  I have taken a step to revolutionize my life and I am so proud of myself for it.

Has anyone or anything inspired you to change your lifestyle for the better?  I'd love to hear your story!

My "To Do List" Makeover

This afternoon after school, I got together with some friends and their children at a playground to take advantage of this unseasonably warm winter weather (yes, I did post just two days ago that it was 10 degrees outside) and to let the kids blow off some steam.  As the kids swung from the monkey bars, slid down poles and climbed up the slides, the moms stood nearby enjoying some precious adult conversation.  One of my friends, a woman who I have known since college, mentioned that she had read my blog post about breakfast and had to laugh at herself this morning when she found her 2-year-old son sitting on her lap at the breakfast table eating from her oatmeal bowl.  She joked that fine china probably was not enough to make her breakfast more enjoyable.  She did, though, go on to say that while her older child was at school and her younger one napped, she took the opportunity to enjoy a warm beverage and read a book - a simple activity yet one that she enjoyed - and needed - very much but for which she seldom finds time.  I could certainly relate to this.  I am sure everyone can whether a stay-at-home parent, a working parent, a single working person, a student. We live in a busy society.  We all feel compelled to be as productive as possible during the day in order to experience a sense of accomplishment.  And we hope that this sense of accomplishment will, in turn, lead to a sense of happiness.  Because of this compulsion toward productivity, we neglect ourselves.  We actually diminish the importance our own sense of well-being and inner peace, which ultimately IS what will really bring us happiness, by believing that accomplishing some project, task or favor will give us a great sense of fulfillment.    I usually create a "To Do List" for myself for the week.  The list is usually filled with exactly that: projects, tasks, favors, errands, etc.  But I've decided to create a new list for myself - one that will supersede my usual list; one that will help to achieve balance between my mind, body and spirit. Here goes:


1. Exercise for at least 30 minutes every day.  We all know the health benefits.  We all know we should do this.  No more lame excuses.  For a reminder about the benefits of 30 minutes of daily exercise, watch this awesome video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUaInS6HIGo&feature=share


2. Get enough sleep.  Pick a time to go to bed and stick to it.  Whatever needs to be done can probably wait until tomorrow.  A good night sleep will help you fight off disease and illness, can help you lose weight, will help with focus and brain power, and can help with depression.  Pretty important stuff.


3. Stay hydrated.  Here's a link to a great article about the importance of good hydration: http://experiencelife.com/article/drink-to-your-health/


4. Eat right.  That means eating more fruits & vegetables, whole grains, lean protein and less processed and high fat junk.  I've been completely inspired by a high school friend who is a Health Coach and Personal Chef.  Check out her blog at http://jessica-hilton.healthcoach.integrativenutrition.com/blog and be sure to sign up for her newsletter.


5. Meditate daily.  Or at least take a few minutes of quiet time every day to breathe deeply and de-clutter your mind.


6.  State your intentions for the day by either telling them to someone else or writing them down.  These are NOT task-based intentions.  These are intentions for living such as "I intend to be more patient today" or "I intend to be more present today."  By stating these intentions aloud, we are more likely to stick to them.


7. State what you are grateful for by either telling someone else or writing it down.  "Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow." ~ Melody Beattie

8. Practice compassion.  As the Dalai Lama says, "The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater our own sense of well-being becomes. Cultivating a close, warm-hearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. This helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacles we encounter. It is the ultimate source of success in life."

This list is pretty simple and straight-forward.  I have printed it out and hung it on the wall in my office.  It includes the things that I think are most important to help me create my sanctuary - the place where my happiness dwells. I am making a commitment to refer to this list daily to ensure that I am doing the things that are most important for my own well-being.  In nurturing myself I will be of more value to myself and to the people I love.  And that is the most important accomplishment I can think of.

When the Leaves Are Gone. . .

It was 10 degrees Fahrenheit where I live in NJ this morning. It was bitter cold. And it felt even more bitter cold since the temperature on New Year's Day was such that I was traveling around town with nothing more than a cardigan over my t-shirt. Mornings like this are one of the things we dread most about winter. All year long most of us are either in a state of dread that winter is coming, or worse yet here, or celebrating that it is had ended and that we are back to warmer days. I didn't always detest winter as much as I have in recent years. Sure - it was not my favorite season but I was able to tolerate it fairly well. Even see some of its charm. That pretty much changed when I had my first child. She was born in the middle of February - in my opinion, probably the worst month weather-wise. It was really cold outside, she was colicky, and so we stayed mostly at home or at my mom's house. We basically hibernated until both winter and colic subsided. Subsequent winters weren't much better. Kids want to play outside, run around, go to the playground. But when its 25 degrees or colder, those activities are excruciating. Even for the kids. Ten minutes of being outside in that type of weather usually ends up in tears - at least for my kids anyway. And most of the indoor kid-friendly activities end up costing a lot of money, especially when you have more than one child, or are breeding grounds for every type of virus that is circulating at the time. I also miss the leaves on the trees and bushes, the greenness of the grass, and the smells that belong to each of the other seasons. Winter seems so bleak. And perceiving winter in this way can also make your spirit seem bleak as well.

I live about 25 minutes from the gym to which I belong. I like to drive on the side streets rather than the highway because its more scenic and, therefore, more enjoyable for me. There is one stretch of road that is bordered by woods on one side and a golf course on the other. I particularly like this road because you see mostly natural landscape. There are only a couple of houses and the golf course is mostly hidden from view by trees. It is especially beautiful in the fall. But now the trees are barren. Such a contrast to what they were several weeks ago. But a couple of days ago I was driving to the gym on this road and glanced toward the golf course. I noticed in the distance through the trees a body of water reflecting the sunlight. I was a bit surprised that I hadn't noticed it before. On the way home from the gym, now driving on this road in the opposite direction, I was able to see the water in the distance even more clearly. It was beautiful. The sun was glistening off its surface and reflecting light back up onto the trees. The same trees that I thought looked barren and bleak now glowed in the ambient light that was shining down from the sun and up from the water onto them. I realized that the reason I hadn't noticed the water before is because in the spring, summer and fall its view is blocked by the leaves on the trees that surround it. Now that the trees had shed all of their leaves I was able to see past them to the water. I was actually thankful that the leaves were gone.

This experience has caused me to rethink how I view winter. Rather than focusing on the things that winter has taken away, I am trying to train my brain to focus on the experiences that winter brings. For starters, I am going to stop thinking that I am "trapped inside" all winter long. The truth is that during the warmer months we spend more time out of the house than in it. Even when we are home, we spend a lot of time in the backyard. Since the weather's turned colder, I've really been enjoying the time we spend at home - sitting in the living room enjoying a cup of tea, watching movies or shows on DVD after the kids go to bed, having manicure or cookie playdates with friends. Spending time at home has been really soothing to my soul. The food in winter is also quite soothing. . .and delicious. Soups, stews, winter vegetables, chili, good sauces - they are all distinctly winter yet fun to cook and eat. There is even something fun about getting bundled up in a warm coat, furry boots, and cozy hat. And then there's snow. Snow is beautiful when it is falling. The world around us always seems more peaceful when its snowing. And kids love it. Playing in snow is one of the great wonders that children experience. Watching them make snow angels, building snow men, and then coming inside to dry off and warm up with hot cocoa brings me back to my childhood. And experiencing their joy and wonder is a reward in itself.

So while I'd still choose a day at the beach in the summer over a snowball fight during the winter, I am going to stop fretting about the winter. The winter holds many hidden treasures if you look for them.

How do you feel about winter? Love it? Hate it? Miss it?

Breakfast Reservations

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. We've be hearing this mantra for practically our entire lives. Eating a healthy breakfast can help us control our weight, improve focus & concentration, and increase our strength & endurance. Unfortunately, breakfast has always been the meal that I struggle with the most. For pretty much my entire adult life I've been looking for a breakfast that is healthy, I'll enjoy, and, most importantly, is satisfying. I've tried everything from oatmeal to omelets to whole grain waffles to yogurt to whole grain cereals. No matter how healthy they were I never felt satisfied after eating them. I never understood why. Until yesterday.

Yesterday was the last day of the holiday break from school for my kids and from work for my husband. I decided that since it was the last day of vacation I was going to act like I was actually on vacation. As I was deciding what to have for breakfast, I tried to imagine that I was at a resort in some beautiful locale. I thought back to some of my favorite resorts and their wonderful restaurants. In these types of places, I am typically drawn to the parfaits, fresh fruits, and omelet stations - things that I've made for myself at home but never felt particularly inspired by. Nonetheless, yesterday morning having been inspired by a particular restaurant at a resort in Kauai, I decided to make myself a parfait with yogurt, frozen and fresh fruits, and nuts that we already had at home. To make it extra fancy, I decided to serve my parfait in a Tiffany glass that was part of a set Jake and I had received as a wedding gift and never used. I figured while I was at it I should set the parfait glass on a dish and drink coffee from a cup from our Wedgwood china collection which we also received as a wedding gift and barely ever use. Jake made himself breakfast (potatoes and eggs served on our everyday dishes. . .in case you were wondering) and joined me at the dining room table. The kids had already eaten their breakfast and were playing nicely together. I was able to sit and eat my breakfast off of my finest china while having conversation with my husband. It was lovely. And then it struck me. The issue has not been WHAT I've been having for breakfast. The real issue is HOW I've been having breakfast.

The mornings in my house, particularly on weekdays, are pretty chaotic. I know that most moms can relate to this scenario. The girls and I usually wake up at the same time - roughly an hour and ten minutes before we need to leave for school. Since Jake generally leaves about 15-20 minutes after we wake up, I am a one man show. From the time that we get out of bed, there is a mad dash to get ready. This mad dash includes getting the girls dressed, making Allie's lunch, fixing breakfast for both girls, brushing hair, occasionally playing referee for my kids, convincing Emma that a tank top really is not warm enough for a winter day, etc. Somewhere in between all of this, I need to get myself ready and eat breakfast. . .if I have time. On the days when I can squeeze breakfast in, I stand at the kitchen counter and eat my breakfast while preparing Allie's lunch. On the days that I don't have time to eat breakfast before school drop off, I stop someplace and grab either a bagel or a roll and a cup of coffee and eat them in the car on the way to the gym. The reason that I am not feeling satisfied by my breakfast choices is simply because I am not giving myself the opportunity to enjoy it. Half the time I finish my breakfast I can barely remember having eaten it because I was so busy doing something else. The reason why I enjoy breakfast on vacation is not because the food tastes any better, its because I am in no hurry. I am able to sit and enjoy myself and my breakfast. I realized this yesterday while enjoying parfait at the dining room table.

So this morning I woke up 30 minutes earlier than I normally do on a school day. While Jake was getting ready for work and the girls were still sleeping, I headed to the kitchen and whipped up another parfait in the same Tiffany glass. I sat at the dining room table with my parfait and coffee and a book. I took my time eating it. After I was done eating, I lingered at the table for a bit reading my book. I took the final sip of coffee from my mug, got up from the table, and got on with the business of a school morning as usual. But I felt different. I did feel more focused. I felt relaxed. Taking the time to sit and eat and enjoy a healthy breakfast really was one of the most important things I did for myself today. So tomorrow morning while the house is still quiet I will be sitting at the dining room table enjoying a slice of the frittata that I made tonight. I am so happy to have started a new breakfast ritual.

How about you? What's your breakfast ritual? Are you happy with it?

Sanctuary . . .

A sanctuary is defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary as either a consecrated place, such as a church or altar, or a place of protection for either those seeking immunity from the law or for wildlife. A wildlife sanctuary is a place where animals behave naturally and live in protection from predators and hunters. Many magazines, websites and self-help books suggest creating a sanctuary in the home. These in-home sanctuaries are usually clutter-free, comfortable, and softly lit spaces. The notion is that these spaces will help us to alleviate stress, renew the spirit, and to achieve peace. All of these definitions and practices suggest that sanctuaries are actual places. Places where we can go to achieve a state of well-being. Who doesn't want to achieve a state of well-being? It seems that we are all always striving for well-being. At the beginning of a new year, we look ahead to the changes we want to make in our lives to help us lead better, healthier lives. USA Today posted a list of the most popular New Year's Resolutions. Among them are drinking less alcohol, eating healthy food, getting fit, losing weight, managing stress, quitting smoking, and volunteering to help others. And why are these resolutions so popular? Because we all believe that if we eat better, exercise more, make healthier lifestyle choices, etc. we will be happier people. Ultimately, when people make their New Year's Resolutions, they are actually resolving to be happier - though they probably don't realize it; not consciously anyway. So the question is will drinking less, eating healthy food, getting fit, losing weight, managing stress and volunteering to help others actually make us happier? Here's what I think: I think we all have it backwards. I think that when we resolve to lose weight or exercise more we are treating the symptom instead of the real problem. Rather than believing that changing an aspect of our lifestyle will lead to happiness we need to change our thinking. We need to believe that being a truly happy person will help us to achieve a state of well-being. Well, how do we become truly happy people? While happiness is hard for some people to come by, its actually a really simple concept. Here's what I believe people must practice in order to achieve happiness:

1. Understand that true, deep happiness comes from within. We will never achieve happiness by relying on external forces to bring us there. Happiness comes from inner peace that is achieved when our mind, body and spirit are nurtured and in balance.

2. Do not mistake pleasure for happiness. We often seek pleasure out and believe that things that bring us pleasure, such as money, food, clothes, validation from others, etc. will make us happy. Pleasure comes from external forces. Pleasure is fleeting. Happiness comes from within and is enduring.

3. Forgiveness and acceptance of others, as well as yourself, is crucial to leading a happy, peaceful life. In the words of Buddha, "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

4. Be aware that your being is made up of your mind, body and spirit. They are distinct entities that coexist in unity. They are your own personal holy trinity. Nourish them. Make them your sanctuary.

Your sanctuary. Your consecrated place. Your altar. Your place of protection. But rather than a place to go to achieve a state of well-being, your sanctuary IS your well-being. Your sanctuary is your mind, body, and spirit in harmony with each other. Your sanctuary is where your happiness dwells. I am on a journey to create my sanctuary. This blog will follow my journey. I hope you will take this journey with me and, along the way, create your sanctuary, too.